I Am Stinky. And There Is Only ONE In The World

A Recent Photo Of Me... Notice my baju?

My date of birth is a little vague, actually. Although, in the whole family, it is generally an accepted fact that I was born somewhere in the year 1981 and I was a gift to my Mistress from her beloved Grandmama. Ever since, I have been by Mistress’ side and I AM indispensable. Woots! Her “most prized possession” – that’s what she says. A “never leave home without it” possession. Woots!


Well, for those of you who know Mistress would more or less know of my existence. For those of you who have had the honour (I say “honour” because… indeed, it is!) of living under the same roof as Mistress, you would be well acquainted with me somehow, because Mistress, she had never been embarrassed by me. Not when she was five, not when she was a teen and not when she ventured into adulthood.


The name…. Geez, I dunno. Some nincompoop coined the name for me and for some reason, Mistress thought it was cute and the name stuck. Previously, I went by the name Busuk Pao…. I guess, for more of an international feel, Stinky stuck as my new name. I don’t know who the nincompoop was to come up with that name! I am “the best smelling thing in the world” as according to Mistress. I smell “like a baby” – also according to Mistress. Now, why would you call me Stinky?? But hey, if Mistress thinks it’s cute, then so be it. Her wish is my command. But just so all of you know – I have my yearly spa session – usually during the CNY period, where Grandmama carefully opens me up and my naked insides are given a long tanning session and then I’m put together again – of course, not before feeding me more, to make me all fat and chubby so that there is more of me to love *grins*. So…, I am CLEAN and I don’t SMELL contrary to what you folks believe! :P


I had been with Mistress through her growth, from child to an angry teenager, through her trials and tribulations, through her heartbreaks and joys and I’ve known almost every tear she had shed. Not many of you can claim the same you know, so NAH! When she was living abroad alone all those years, guess who kept her company? ME, ME, ME!!! I’ve always traveled wherever she has traveled – so I think I’m one blady lucky paupau since not many paupaus get to see the world like I did and still do. By the way – to show the importance of my status as a VERY VALUABLE item when flying, I am always hand-carried. Jealous or not? :P


When Mistress went abroad to study in Australia, I traveled with her and for the first time, it was just Mistress and I – no adults, no Mama and no Papa. Rubbing hands in glee, we went for our great adventure into the journey of life. And what a journey it was! Oh, the dramas, the scandals, the.. the… well, ok, I don’t kiss-and-tell. :P Of course, it was at this time that her flatmates got pretty well-acquainted with me too. I think it was one of them who gave me my name. Idiot. They were not very kind people. Well, but of course, they were Mistress’ great friends. What can I do? I’m a helpless little paupau who is hell-bent on serving my Mistress come what may! So, I sucked it up. Why do I think these are bad, bad people? Oh, I tell you – one of my life’s darkest moments happened during my time in this flat Down Under.


One weekend, when Mistress totally forgot to pack me into her overnight bag before leaving town for the long weekend hols, I was stuck in the flat with these mean people. And what did they do? In their drug-induced drunken stupor, they kidnapped me from the safe enclosure of my bed and tied me with this UGLY, absolutely UGLY old red necktie that wasn’t even my colour to begin with and hung me from the ceiling. Oh, as if that was not torturous enough, they stuck clothes pegs all over my poor, soft, chubby body. The pain! It was indescribable! Oh, I can still remember it and I can still feel the pinchy, bitey pain of those damn pegs! But these mean, mean, bad, bad people just stood there and laughed and discussed ways to get ransom out of Mistress, took numerous photos of my tortured conditions... I swear, they were like crazy-high-on-drugs, laughing and sneering. I saw fangs and horns grow out of them! I was left hanging from that ceiling, with all these things pinching me till I was numb for days…. before Mistress finally came back to my rescue. She was not pleased, I tell you. There was some yelling, I can’t remember very well because I was in so much pain… and I was traumatized.. what was it those CSI people call it again? PSTD, that’s right. Post traumatic stress disorder..... But revenge was duly taken. Haha. Served them right! What did I ever do to them? Geez! But still, Mistress is too, too kind. She remains good friends with these bad people till today. Geez. But poor, poor Mistress. I wasn’t the only one who was traumatized by this whole thing, you know. Needless to say, when trying to make a decision on whether to bring me along anywhere now, this episode always comes back to haunt poor Mistress. 

The bad, bad people....

See right, being such an invaluable possession has led to me being a weak-link for Mistress’ life. I am always being held as a threat to get Mistress to do things she doesn’t want to do. Particularly, from Mistress’ Mama during the early years. “I will throw Busuk Pau into the garbage bin if you don’t do this,… or if you don’t do that….” And Mistress, in order to protect my existence, will meekly do as told. But still, she had her way of rebelling. What a feisty little samseng! And in recent years, it is her beloved hubby or her MOH (I cringe saying this word) who does the threatening. “I will throw Stinky out of the balcony if you don’t do this…. or if you don’t do that…” or “When you come back, you won’t find Stinky anywhere…” Lucky for me, Mistress somehow, somehow, always gets her way with him though. Phew!

I traveled to Bali numerous times with Mistress and was there when she first fell in love with… him. (No way I’m calling him Master!!) And of course, coming full circle again in Bali, I was there when she got married too. Grandmama had predicted that Mistress would get married with me in tow since we were inseparable. She was right. I was just a little disappointed that I wasn’t a part of the ceremony. Mistress’ Mama would’ve screamed murder. Really. And not just her Mama. But all her industry friends will go “OMG. Pai seh la lu…!” I beg to differ. I think I would look most handsome in a chic white satin jacket, carrying the couple’s beautiful wedding bands. But alas…. I had to be left out, and also since SOME people had already prepared a boring, so-called ring pillow for her. Whatever. But I am the ever loyal friend. I didn’t get pissy at Mistress and did not throw a hissy-fit. I wished her all the joys and happiness too. I saw her get ready, transformed into a glowing bride, even though marriage was never something she planned for in her life…. I saw her looking all pretty and having fun and laughing with her best friends and taking photos. She forgot to take one with me. But it’s ok. As long as she's happy, I'm happy. While the party was going on, I waited patiently in her villa, err… next to her best friend’s baby – who was also left out of the party too. Sooooo glad I wasn’t the only one :P

Whilst I am happy for Mistress for “marrying a really good man”, I’m not so happy about having to share the bed with someone else. Hrrrumph! Oh, I would kiss-and-tell some about this “good man” of hers. You see, I kinda have this love-hate relationship for him. I love him because he makes Mistress happy and he makes Mistress laugh. I hate him because he bullies me and sometimes, he bullies Mistress too and makes her cry and I have to clean up after him. See? Sometimes, I want to punch him! Sometimes, he hides me and Mistress will get all frantic trying to search for me. What an idiot! He puts me in closets, under the bed, under pile of clothes, inside luggage bags… you name it! And while Mistress is frantically searching, he sits there like a sack of potatoes on the couch watching football with an innocent –looking face too. I know what he is up to. He just wants to distract Mistress for awhile so he can enjoy watching his stupid football. Who watches 22 grown men chasing after one stupid ball anyways?


When Mistress is in bed together with me, she at least tries to protect me. By the way, I’m still what she hugs to sleep. Just that now, I have to be squeezed in between him and Mistress otherwise he would throw a hissy-fit about “Why you always hug Stinky and you don’t hug me?” Geez. Gimme a break! I was there first, Mr. Whiny! And him….! I really don’t like sleeping with him! Aargh!


Nevermind the incessant snoring and the drooling and I’ll be damned if he ever drools on me!…. Most nights, he would steal me away from Mistress. Sometimes, he would throw me on to the floor. Sometimes, he would undress me – so ham sap! – and I would be cold and naked, always a good thing that I have an extra layer of skin… but still! Geez! But Mistress, she would come to my rescue. She would pinch, pinch, pinch him to make him return me to her, or kick him and make him pick me up from the floor – all these done while eyes still closed, mind you…  But the worse of all is when he kepit me in between his legs! Aaargh!!! Hot and suffocating man!! And then he farts in my face! What the hell!  Sometimes, the fart doesn’t stop at one. Idiot!! Mistress would slap him when she finds me in that hellish position. Whack! Whack! On his ass. Hahaha. Serves him right. He usually does this nonsense when Mistress wakes up early in the morning to go for her training, leaving me alone in bed with him. And that is when he will be up to extreme no-goods.


You think I don’t know what he is up to? He is adamant about getting his “smell” on me so that when Mistress takes a whiff of me, it is HIM that she is smelling and not so much her beloved paupau anymore. Such a sneaky bugger, I tell you. Oh, I know his tricks. See right, Mistress is very particular about how I smell and as such, she doesn’t use any other cream or lotion when she goes to bed – except Johnson’s Baby Lotion. That is the only smell allowed in bed. But this, this…. silly fellow is like the ambassador for Minyak Cap Kapak. Cold, minyak cap kapak. Headache, minyak cap kapak. Cough, minyak cap kapak. I know it drives Mistress nuts and she hides every single bottle that he buys. I’m not revealing their hidey hole. Uh-uh. No way.  And he has learnt his lesson – no getting into bed with the smell of Minyak Cap Kapak or whatever yucky smells. Hahaha.


Sometimes, Mistress helps me take revenge by letting me sock him one or two times in the head. Damn, it feels good when I get to sock him! As it is, lately, Mistress is complaining that I am starting to smell a bit like him already. Aaargh! That stupid idiot has ruined me! I need to get an emergency spa session right away! Grandmama, WHERE ARE YOU?


Yet, I will continue enduring all of his nonsense or any other nonsense for that matter. Because why? I love Mistress. I have known Mistress all her life and am confident that nothing can come between us (as I can already prove by the fact that I am the first thing Mistress hugs when she goes to bed and the first thing she is hugging when she wakes up – unless SOME moron steals me away or starts doing the whiny attention-seeking thing) – our relationship is rock-solid. I know it will break Mistress’ heart if she ever loses me so I am definitely gonna make sure I am right there always. Hmmm… actually I am the ONE who is truly there, in sickness and in health, till death do us part. In fact – I will be buried right there with Mistress holding on to me (it is in her last will and testament :P). So NAH to all of you again for giving me a hard time or for laughing at me, or laughing at Mistress for having me around all the time :P

p/s : Do not try to psychoanalyse all of these as Mistress being someone with a lot of baggage or whatever. There’s nothing to analyse. She is a hoarder and when she grows attached to things, she doesn’t give up on them. She doesn’t ditch old things for new ones. She is just as loyal to me as I am to her. There is actually a new version of me – sitting somewhere in the cupboard. But she chooses to mend me over and over again, rather than use a new one because she is a kind and sentimental person (some call her a fool but I beg to differ)… and because, as I said…. 

I Am Stinky.
And There Is Only One In The World.

He was laughing hysterically, high on drugs!