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| Just one big family gathering at home |
This year, would be the first time ever in my life of going through CNY without any of my grandparents. It's not easy for me to wrap my head around this, though I'm getting better at trying to come to terms with it.
Initially, I was a little sad as I thought now that Ah Por is no longer around, no one will bother to upkeep the family tradition of the reunion dinner and all the festivities. But I was delighted to learn that all my uncles and aunties, even my parents and my uncle in Sabah came back for the reunion dinner and also for the 1st day traditional vegetarian lunch and the 2nd day's traditional family feast. So MOH and I did some planning and also arranged for my in-laws to join us in the reunion and family gatherings in the old village house. My brother came back from OZ as well, so we booked everyone into a hotel - this was very much a first for me too. I've never ever stayed away from the village house in all of my life for CNY.
Anyway, it was one major family gathering. I am pretty sure Ah Por is happy that we gathered despite her absence and that was important for me. Because in all her life, she placed utmost importance in seeing the family sit down for meals together during CNY too. (Maybe that's where I got it from).
I sure as hell hope that every year, the family continues to gather and upkeep this tradition. It holds extreme significance for me because to me - I've only got ONE family. It's not that big, but it's not that small either. No matter how much differences we may have, surely, for that one time a year, we could gather and catch-up as families do. Maybe some may or may not be able to make it, for their valid reasons, but I sure as hell hope they continue making an effort to come home. It's not so much about the celebrations, but it is about having a family. It is not so much about who does what more and who does what less, but it is about family ties. Without the anchor of a family, I would just be a lost drifter.
Those who know me well would already know that this family of mine is my kryptonite. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them, as long as I am capable. I guess, my personality is that I am never a calculative person. Not at work, not with my family. I've never been the type to say or even think "I did more than you, I paid more than you" or whatever. I may be angry at them sometimes, but if they needed help, I'd do it. They may have let me down sometimes, but I'd never turn my back on them. In fact, the fact that I can take care of myself AND them is a very good thing isn't it? It means I am capable AF. And I believe very much in my heart that all four of my grandparents are protecting me from high up in heavens simply because I am such a bloody good granddaughter with such a bloody big heart 💖💖💖 (self-praise, but I deserve it 😜😜😜)
At this time, I have to say I am blessed with very open-minded and modern in-laws who understands my attachment with my family and have on several occasions (my mom-in-law) joined me in celebrating with my side of the family. Given my nature, I would've rebelled in any case 😜😜😜For me, it is better to rebel than to begrudgingly do something I do not wish to do and hold that unhappiness in me for years to come. Or worse still, hold that grudge on my poor husband. LOLOL. Anyway, glad that any rebelling was unnecessary in my case.
Anyway, everyone had since left after the Day 2 family feast, including MOH and my in-laws. As usual, I stayed behind. I used to do that to keep Ah Por company a few more days before I depart back to Myanmar or wherever it was I used to work at. My life back here had always revolved around her in the last 15 years (before that, Ah Kung was still around and my life revolved around the both of them!) Now that Ah Por is in heaven, it still feels really strange. Looking at the chair she used to park herself in, looking at the stool in the toilet where I used to sit her down and showered her (I can even hear her screaming "Are you slaughtering a chicken! The water is too hot!!" 😅😅😅), looking at the seat where she usually sat for meals.... her presence and her absence, all at once is quite overwhelming.
Still, I am staying back a few more days maybe because I wanted to continue feeling Ah Por's presence here. Plus, I don't often get a chance to live here much now. It's like a vacation anyway. I wanted some days of pure peace and quiet, with no one around so that I can get some of my work done as well as getting some of my reading and writing done. Except for the heat, I love this village since I was a kid. I'm not a city kid. I hate tall buildings and hoomans. Here is perfect because you hardly see another person unless you ventured out to the town. How much introverted am I? LOL.
To be real honest, I am very, very sad - also, part of the reason I wanted a few days away from people just so that I can be sad without having to put up a strong front or whatever. Just a few days for me to reminisce the good memories with Ah Por and all my grandparents, for me to try to grasp and understand things that had happened, for me to brace myself for things to come, for me to just miss them all like hell. Ah Por was my last one standing and having lost 3 grandparents prior, I clung onto Ah Por and all the previous losses were easier to bear. Now that Ah Por had joined Kung Kung, Por Por and Ah Kung in heaven, it is real hard for me to accept that the people who doted on me, who spoiled me silly, who let me get away with murder for everything in the world are now absent.
I am suspicious of how my heart would be able to take more losses. People always say "Eileen you're so strong." I guess to a certain extend, I am. And then, I am not. I guess God was quite fair. He made me strong and fragile at the same time. And most often, I don't even like talking about my feelings. I express myself better in writing. I have issues, I guess 😝😝😝 I also recently realized another issue I have - my refusal to part with Stinky even for one night. Ah Por made that busuk pao for me when I was 5yrs old and she had predicted that I would even bring Stinky along into my wedding bed. She predicted right. LMFAO. Usually, when I went on trips, I would leave Stinky behind. But since Ah Por left us, I've been carrying Stinky every trip I went. For some, this may be an alarming behaviour (told you I've got issues) but everyone will deal with their shit in their own way, isn't it?
Whilst I am still trying to digest Ah Por's absence, I'm constantly reminding myself to celebrate life. Hence, I have extended my leave so that I get to spend some time with Mama and Papa back in the city too. I would be keeping my calendar quite free for them. Friends who understands me would not chastise me for not looking them up.
There are many memories of Ah Por that would make me laugh out loud. One that I would recall is for the past 4 or 5 years, when I thought Ah Por's memory was kinda failing, I would scheme additional ang pows from her during CNY. She would usually start the morning of the 1st day distributing her ang pows to all the children and grandchildren. I would get one, and later that day, when more visitors came and she was distributing ang pows again, I would tell her "Hey! How come you forgot to give me mine??" and on Day 2 of CNY, when extended families came back and she would distribute the ang pows again, I would do the same thing. Some years, I had to argue a long time, insisting that she hasn't given me any. 😂😂😂 Looking back now, I think she wasn't all that forgetful. She was just letting me get away with murder as usual. This year, since we can't celebrate, I have not received even one packet of ang pow. I'll make it all back next year. Perhaps, I could scheme from Mama and Papa next year. LOL.
One other memory is quite a long conversation. Ah Por used to boil soup with that charcoal stove thingamajig. She swore by it I tell you. Anyway, one year, I was helping her (or rather pretending to help her 😜😜😜) and she was like in Cantonese saying "Open the door! Open the door!" For the life of me, I didn't know what the hell she was on about. The back door to the outdoor kitchen was already opened so I told her that the door was already opened! And she scolded me "Haiyaaaaa sei ting nga yee!!! This door! This door! Sei choon!!" (in general, she called me a stoopid fool 😂😂😂) as she pointed to the little trap door to that charcoal stove. So, me being the smart alec that I was, I told her "Ah Por, these days, we are all modern people. We don't use stupid things like these. We use modern stove, just switch on, switch off. Fast and easy." Do you know what was her respond to that? She said "Those things are only for lazy people. No wonder you are so lazy!" Her sarcasm and wit was next level. There was no winning with her. 😅😅😅
Yesterday evening, in a conversation with my 3rd Uncle, we spoke about the infamous "513" - the racial riots on May 13th 1969 where the Malays were killing Chinese folks everywhere. Whilst the epicenter of the riots was in Kuala Lumpur, there was a nationwide curfew and some small towns had some minor incidences. Whatever it was, everyone was on the edge and trying to stay out of trouble. So it was, a few days after May 13, there was a rumour that there was a riot near the village. So my Uncle rushed on his bicycle to go to the rubber estate to get Ah Por home as she was out tapping rubber. Ah Por shooed him away and said "Yes, yes, I'll get going once I finish a few more trees." She apparently didn't stop at "a few more trees" LOL. She finished all her tapping, handed over the rubber to whoever it was she needed to hand it over to and collected her wages before walking home cool as a cucumber - while all her sons were hiding in the house 😂😂😂 That was really epic Ah Por. Surely the riots didn't faze her. She lived through the Japanese occupation! She also lived through the war against the commies, her own brother being a commie himself. (I've known of how she would take the risk and hid food in the house and her brother would come out from the jungle in the still of the night to get the food. At that time, the British patrols were really strict and in fact, most of the Chinese villages in rural Malaysia were created to make it easier to monitor commie activities!)
I seriously have access to some pretty damn rich history and stories to be told.
Ah Por, Por Por, Kung Kung, Ah Kung..... I miss all of you. But don't you worry. I will continue to live a good life as a good person, eat well and work hard. And please continue to protect me from high up there ok? Make sure to keep me out of trouble. You know how samseng I can be 😈😈😈 And may there be a hundred more reunions with the family.
