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| She had always been very sporting with photo ops |
Today is Mooncake Festival and I had actually booked my flight home to celebrate this with Ah Por. Sadly, she passed away 3 weeks ago. Though this had been somewhat expected, I'm still trying to come to terms with this loss. All I have now are the millions of memories I have of my time with her over the last so many, many, many years.
I think I'm in trouble because barely into my second paragraph and my tears are flowing. 😭😭😭 This brings back something my Papa said to me : "You only behave like a gangsta, but your tears are so shallow."
~~~
After the passing of my Por Por in September 2012 (on the eve of Mooncake Festival actually), I clung on to Ah Por because I realized she was my last one standing. And I had a lot of regrets and unfinished businesses with my grandparents who had passed away. I don't really wanna talk about all those right now because then the floodgates will not stop and all those wounds would just be widely torn opened. Speaking of wounds, let me describe how it feels for me to lose people I love. The wounds never really heal. And each loss is like a f***ing deep cut on the exact same wound. That's how it feels for me.
As a kid, Ah Por had really doted upon me. Yes, there had been times where I had been super naughty and she had walloped the shit out of me, but for a huge part, all I recall are really great memories and even greater conversations with her. I don't think anyone else in the family shared the same relationship I had with her. In my eyes, she had been this strong, feisty woman who raised her family the only way she knew how given the circumstances she had. She was also strong physically. I would recall one memory which kinda puts me to shame till this day. I was 17 years old that year and it was the Chinese New Year. As per usual style of the idiot government back then, they would cut off our water supply every CNY for whatever reason and that particular year, it was so bad, we had no choice but to collect water from the nearby stream in the village. I was obviously struggling with my one pail of water. Ah Por was walking behind me. When she saw me struggling, she said impatiently, "Haiya, put down the bucket. Just like a siew cher (princess)! Move aside!" Which I did, and she carried 2 buckets of water and walked all the way home.
She was to me, the queen of public transports - the train, the buses, the village buses.... as a kid, I used to travel with her on the train and the buses. You know, back then, her belongings were carried in a piece of cloth wrapped up like a bag! And she would have some other bags of stuff and goodies and my belongings to carry. And sometimes, as a kid, I would get lazy to walk and I would demand for Ah Por to carry me instead. And she would carry me on her back, her hands still holding on to all the belongings and stuff while I am happily riding piggy-back on her. You can imagine, for a grandma to be able to do that, how physically strong was she, isn't it? She would be in her late 50s / 60s by then. All the way till when she was in her 80s, she was still traveling with public transport and carrying bags of stuff for everyone. Till she had her great fall which kinda ruined her mobility and really where the whole journey started deteriorating.
For an uneducated woman who couldn't even write her ABCs, she had a world of wisdom and advice to impart. For all of my life, her advice had been constant and consistent : "Study hard, don't be like me." and then when I finished my studies, she said "Work hard. But most importantly is to be happy and healthy. You have all the wealth in the world, it is also useless if you are unhealthy and unhappy." But all my life was really "work hard, work hard and work hard." So, I worked hard. Only fail area was me with the household chores 😓😓😓
I remember on the eve of my SRP national examination announcement, I was in the village home and when they announced on the evening news that the results will be out the next day, I was very reluctant to go get my results. I was so worried that I didn't do well. For some reason, my Papa was really upset about that and we had a fight. Ah Por, she told me, "Let's take a walk." So, we did, taking a nice breezy night walk around the village. She spoke to me and said "It doesn't matter if you didn't do well. You try again. What's so difficult about it? At the end of the day, you still have to face it. You don't worry about whether your Mom and Dad will be upset with your results. I don't believe if you study hard, you cannot make it. And if you cannot make it this time, you will make it another time." Everyone is probably surprised that I remember details like these, but I'm that sort of person, you know. Somehow, grandparents have a very different relationship with their grandchildren compared to their own children, isn't it? They somehow have a way to deal with their grandkids, but it was possible they don't actually communicate very well with their own children. Like in the case of my Ah Por. I know somehow, the family wasn't very close and wasn't very communicative nor expressive.
Then came the time when I got the scholarship to go study in Australia. At the same time, I had several job offers already and I wasn't intending to go abroad to finish my degree. I wanted to start working ASAP. My family would have none of that. Once again, Ah Por swooped in patiently with her "Let's go for a walk" thing, and advised me to go. She believed that having a good education would be a positive change for my life. And she said "Don't you want to give me the opportunity to brag to my mahjong kakis or the other neighbours here about my big granddaughter is a university graduate?" I think at that time, I was probably the first in the village to go abroad to finish up my studies. And definitely the first in the family, counting in the previous generation. Well, Ah Por won again and I went to Australia. Never ever regretted that decision. To date, that was the best year of my life.
She was old-fashioned as hell, and very superstitious. Old-fashioned like for example, chicken drumstick for the eldest son during any festivities. But guess what? The "Princess" here got the drumstick too! So she always made sure there was enough chicken drumstick going around to make sure I had one. And guess what else? I disliked steamed chicken skin. I would refuse to touch any chicken with the skin. Ah Por would always, always peel off the skin from my drumstick. If you saw a chicken drumstick without the skin, you knew that was mine. She had a lot of superstitions and old wives tales. But somehow, she gave a lot of leeway to me. I remember there was one year during CNY, during my "young and dumb" rebellious teenage years, I wore black on the first day of CNY. She just said "Aiya, ting nga yee, why you wear black on the first day of CNY?" I believe, had it been anyone else, she would've made them change 😁😁😁 Somehow, with me, she was very open-minded. Even for my wedding date, which fell in the Hungry Ghost Festival month, she was like "Ok, as long as you two are happy, it is fine." I suspected and thought at that time, she was just desperate for me to get married. But looking back, she was someone who really actually went with the flow. Not extremely rigid.
I remember fondly once when I took her on a cruise. Despite her background and everything, Ah Por was actually a very curious and adventurous woman. She had oysters and champagne, and whatever since it all came with the cruise package. One day, I said to her that she can go venture on her own cos I wanted some sun time by the pool. I gave her the camera. She had a field day actually! When I developed the film (back then no digital cameras!), I found that she even took a photo with the cruise's captain - who was a gwai lo! What?? This was to me, Ah Por. During the farewell party on the cruise, we even had a "chicken dance" and she danced along. It was so funny, I wished I had a video camera to record that moment. Now, that memory of her flapping her arms is just in my brains. She was sporting like that. That is why I had always loved taking her out. We made a big trip to Penang not too long back. And she was ooh-ing and aah-ing at everything. For you know, her world had always been so small. The village, 4 walls, and that's about it. No one actually ever bothered taking her to travel. Plus, she never wanted to go on a flight anyway. She was the most curious, most adventurous woman, really. Despite her old-fashioned ways. I wish for one more chance to go for a trip with her. 😢😢😢
I had a wedding reception back at the village, mostly was for her sake. After the wedding, the day I was supposed to leave, I was sitting with her in the room and I told her I didn't want to go back to Cambodia (at that time, I was based in Cambodia). That I missed her and the family alot. She said to me "Work hard. Don't think about this and that. Furthermore, Ah Por is already so old. Why you need to miss? No need to miss. You focus on working hard. Remember, eat well, stay healthy, be happy. The rest are all unimportant." This was truly my Ah Por.
What changed? She lost her mobility. And then everyone was too busy to looked in on her. She felt like everyone abandoned her. I was too far away to be by her side all the time. I just wished everyone had cooperated a bit more and took turns to go see her and spend some time with her. Perhaps they forgot how she used to travel up and down with trains and buses to see them and look in on them when she was able. For me, this pained me a lot. For it was not important to me that I was the "special" one for Ah Por. It was important to me that she knew she was loved and cared for by everyone else. She didn't need 7 days of our time. She just wanted 15 minutes of our attention in constant and consistent doses. That was all. I don't understand and I will never understand because everyone is different. I am different. Yellow on the outside, white on the inside. Gangsta on the outside, cry baby in the inside. Everyone has a different thing in them. So, I'll leave it at that. But till this day, it pains me that no one was by her side enough.
The problem I had was the fact that I spent the last week prior to her passing, with her at the hospital. It was watching her suffer that I couldn't take. I didn't really care that all I had was a plastic chair to sleep in or if there had no aircon or the condition was quite shit in the hospital, I just wanted to be by her side. To let her know she wasn't alone. It's the last of her days, for God's sake. To see her suffering was entirely one of the most painful thing for me, and sadly, the last images of Ah Por to me. The most recent images of her time with me. We couldn't take any selfies together or have a proper conversation together. I could only hold her hand and flash my big toothy smile at her. Somehow, I cannot get over the fact that there was one day at the hospital that she asked to drink her favourite beverage, which was the "cham" (coffee + tea) and I couldn't give her that because she was on tube-feeding. And she said "Just want to drink a cup of cham, also cannot?" Can you imagine my heart at that moment? If I could do anything to take away her pain at that moment, I would've. But the only thing I could do was smile and told her "I'll get you your drink when you are better, ok?" and I somehow knew that was me lying to her.
After a week, the doctor decided there was nothing else to be done for her and discharged her. So, took her back to the old folks home. I was in so much pain knowing I had to leave her there. I desperately made whatever arrangements I could to make sure she could get extra nursing care 24 hours. I didn't care how much it would cost me. She was on tube-feeding and she wasn't sleeping at nights so I was literally worried sick about leaving her at the old folks home. But in the meantime, I had to get back to work.
And at the same time, I somehow knew Ah Por was going to go, the moment I left. Because she had mentioned to me many times that she didn't want me around to be near her when she passed away. She knew that I would be crying and hugging her and she didn't want any of that. So the whole week in the hospital, as much as she was suffering, she didn't let go. But the moment I flew back to Myanmar, she left. Actually, on the night before she passed away, I dreamt about her. I dreamt that we were at the hospital and all of a sudden, she sat up, looking well and speaking cohesively and saying to me "I'm ok now. I can leave the hospital. I am so well. Do you see?" I remember that in my dream, my heart sank because I knew they said when someone is going to go, they somehow have a moment of alertness and clarity. And I felt (in my dream) that it was that moment. And I woke up thinking "Shit."
So, true enough, that day itself, right in the middle of me teaching my Advertising class, Ah Por passed away. I don't switch on my phone when I am teaching and my family was trying to reach me. It wasn't till I arrived home that MOH told me "Your Mom called." and the moment he said that, I knew what happened. It was the hardest news for me. That's why, I told the class that I would always remember them for both good and bad reasons. (And they surprised me with a birthday cake as well despite me not wanting to celebrate anything.... when I resumed class the week after the funeral)
Anyway, my last one standing has gone to heaven. I am glad she is no longer suffering. But I am so sad that I no longer can have another conversation with her. Another selfie. Another moment where I annoy her. Another moment where I can hold her hands. Or another moment where I can share my snacks with her (Ah Por loved snacking, you know!). Or another breakfast. Or another scolding from her even.
With Ah Por, unlike my other grandparents, I said whatever I needed to say to her during her last week at the hospital. I hope she heard me and understood me. We had one cohesive day where we had a nice conversation. She said my earrings were so pretty. And I said "Yes, but I am even prettier!" and she nodded, and said "Yes, that's good." And I told her not to worry about me and my husband (she was always worrying cos she didn't see us together often enough) and that we were well, my husband got a promotion and that I am cooking everyday and not eating leftover food.... and she said "That's really good." It was a 7 minute max chat. But at least out of that one week, I had one good moment with her.
You know, the chinese funeral customs and ritual is one that kinda drums into you to honour and pay respect to the dead. In the middle of the stand-kneel-stand-kneel-stand-kneel session, I realized that even if I had chosen not to kneel for Ah Por during the ritual, it didn't mean I had no love nor respect for her. I had loved her dearly and whole-heartedly. I did whatever I could within my capabilities for her. I hope she knew that. The rituals were just there to make us feel better? Or whatever? I dunno. But yet somehow, I still question - have I really done enough? Did I make the right decision to put her in a new Home where she was so unhappy. Have I tried hard enough to make sure the last of her days were at least ok? Everyone would tell me that I had done more than required as a grandchild. My question is what is the "required" here? Is there a boundary to what you can do for someone you hold so dear in your heart?
But for now, I mourn and I grief. I got back to my routine very quickly and that had helped. But the honest truth is I am grieving and I will continue to feel the pain of this loss. I had been blessed to share such close and great bond with all of my grandparents. I am such a lucky kid. Funnily, my grandparents had been very consistent with their messaging to me : "Study hard!!! Work hard!!! Don't be lazy!" and I guess, that's where I am now.
I miss all of you so, so, so much, Kung Kung, Ah Kung, Por Por, Ah Por. If only I could have one more moment with each of you...... 😭😭😭 But don't worry about me. I will work hard, be happy and be healthy. You are all in my heart always.
