My Last One Standing...

Selfie Filters with Ah Por 😂😂😂

Another CNY celebration with the family had come and gone. I’m thankful for yet another CNY with Ah Por. Every year, as I leave home with a heavy heart, I worry that this might be the last CNY with her. Her health – mental, emotional and physical – has deteriorated so quickly in the last 2 years. She’s my last grandparent standing and frankly, I’m not yet prepared to let her go.

The last 2 years had been the most difficult because I’ve watched a feisty, witty old lady turn into a bitter and unhappy person. I did managed to get some good moments with her, but more often than not, the conversations I have with her seem to be very negative that I don’t really have much conversations with her anymore. Most heart-breaking for me is her desperation with money. She used to tell me “Don’t be greedy. Just earn enough to keep food on your table. The most important is your health and happiness.” The last 2 years, she had been singing a different tune. She’s been telling me “The most important thing is money!” Every conversation is about how poor she was and how poor everyone in the family was. Whatever money given to her by her children and grandchildren, she refused to let the money out of her sight. This CNY, I helped kept her money in her cupboard. Numerous times a day, despite being too frail to walk properly, she would wobble to her room, open the cupboard and recount that all her money was still there. She’s even suspicious that there could be family members who might steal her money. It’s so heart-breaking and frustrating for me to see that. There was no talking sense into her and in the end, I kept the money in my room instead just to stop her from walking and risk her falling down.

On the last morning of my trip back to the village, I lost my temper at her 😩😩😩  I've never lost my temper so terribly with her before 😭😭😭

Well, she puts up at an old folks’ home run by a mother-daughter duo – an arrangement made by Ah Por’s children. To be honest, right from the very first time I met these two, I already didn’t have a very good feeling about them. I found them overly-fake and pretentious. But because Ah Por was under their care, I kept my tongue and I even faked my friendliness and apple polished them till high heavens. Sometimes, I used gifts as bribe – in fact, I even bought them a refrigerator! To me, they were just conniving, cheating liars. Once, I arrived at 10-ish morning to pick Ah Por and they just woke up. Which caretaker of a Home wakes up at 10am??  This trip, when I arrived at the Home to pick Ah Por up, the place was like a bloody pigsty. Fine. I closed an eye to it. They kept saying they were busy, busy, busy. Anyway, when I was going to give Ah Por her usual medication that evening upon getting back to the village, there was no medication to be seen. When I asked Ah Por about it, she told me that they had not taken her to the general hospital to get the medication for a couple of months already. This was alarm bells for me. Cos they told me they always took her for the appointments. While back for the whole week, I watched how frail and wobbly Ah Por was so I never quite left her sight and I showered her daily. One day, while showering her, Ah Por asked me, “So, who would shower me when you go back to Myanmar?” So I told her that the caretakers will shower her like they always do. And she told me that they don’t shower her at all. My heart sank. If I left Ah Por back in that Home, she will definitely have a fall. I was stressing out on what to do about this issue. Since, you know, being an Asian family, I’m of the “younger generation” and therefore, don’t exactly have a say in what needs to be done. Whatever decision I made prior had always been over-ridden. Meanwhile, Ah Por had also been telling me about how little food she has to eat at that Home, but when I bought biscuits and coffee for her to take back to the Home, she said no because the caretakers would steal them, and worse of all, how they kept stealing her money when she went to shower. I know some may say Ah Por is a little forgetful and Ah Por may be telling tales of imagination, but at this point, I choose to believe her.

So happened, during the reunion lunch, I asked my cousin brother who lived nearby the Home on what was going on. And his information confirmed my suspicions that those two caretakers were conniving, cheating liars. I don’t really want to get into the details of what sort of bad characters they were but there was no way in hell I was going to send Ah Por back there. I picked her up, so I had to drop her back off, you see. Anyway, so  my cousin brother helped me look for another home. He had previously recommended another Home when the family was about to make a decision but you see – he was of the “younger generation” and therefore only  meant to be seen not heard 😕😕😕 Anyway, he managed to get a slot in another Home and helped me make the arrangements to check Ah Por in there. But not before making me swear not to say it was him who told me all these information because he was afraid of getting into trouble. (and here I am, regaling this tale on a public space! LOL). So, that was that. I made the decision this time. I was gonna put Ah Por into a new and better home. I wasn’t bothered about how much extra the new Home was going to cost. I wanted extra pair of eyes to watch her and care for her.

Now, on the day when we were about to leave to send Ah Por to the new Home, she kicked up a fuss. She refused to go. She heard rumours that the place cost a bomb and she didn’t want to go. She wobbled to her room and refused to move. I was running late (cos I had to return the rental car that evening), I was stressed out about the situation, I was frustrated, I was emotional that it was my last day for CNY with Ah Por and when she behaved that way, I just lost it. In the end, she relented.  But she kept on and on repeating in the car that I conned her into going to the new Home. I just didn’t know what to do. At that said moment, I had wanted to crash the car into a wall. I was that devastated 😭😭😭 Anyhow, I got her to the new Home. I looked at the place, I met the owners, I checked her in and I saw to all the arrangements including shower time and night time. My priority was that she doesn’t fall again. The place seemed nicer, bigger and more professionally ran. Still, I hated knowing that Ah Por was unhappy with this decision. But I managed to talk to her better before I left and told her that we could just try out the new place. And if she’s really not happy and not comfortable, we’d move her back to the old Home. She felt better. And I gave her a hug before bidding her farewell. And I promised to call her.

We could say, or we could ask “Why is she behaving so selfishly? Why can't she not make the younger people worried about her” but if I were to think about it – aren’t we the selfish ones? I forced her to go to the new Home because I wanted my peace of mind. I can’t be there physically to take care of her and so I thought this was the best decision for her well-being. I’m thinking about this and I’m just torn apart. I gave her no choice. I just forced her to accept my decision. And here’s the kicker – my aunty called, a bit agitated as to why didn’t I discuss this with her first because to what she heard, the new Home that I just checked Ah Por into has a history of abuse cases and there had been deaths. So you can imagine, how I am feeling now, on a flight back to Yangon, thinking – “What the fuck did I just do???” I can’t rely on family to take care of this issue properly. It's like expecting the old and wobbly to take care of the old and wobbly. It's a disaster waiting to happen! Because her children are themselves old, unwell, retired with little income coming in and furthermore, Ah Por’s situation had been the cause of many family quarrels and unhappiness. I didn’t want anymore family quarrels or misunderstanding so I chose to take this upon myself. And I think I screwed up! 😭😭😭 How will I forgive myself if anything happened to Ah Por?

Maybe some of you may ask why am I taking things so emotionally about all of these. Maybe I should start by saying that in the first place, I have a very strong exterior, but I have the softest of hearts particularly for old people. When they are old and unable and life is draining away bit by bit from them, don’t you think that is when they need more smiles? More love? More care?

Secondly, I have a history of “unfinished businesses” that haunt me till this very day. Which is the reason why I still can’t truly let go of the passing of my three other grandparents.

The first was with my late Kung Kung. He suffered a stroke and then had liver cancer. A week before he passed away, I remember I was in his room, and was trying to chat with him about his job as a journalist with Sin Chew Jit Poh. He couldn’t speak very cohesively due to the stroke, so as a 16-yr-old, I tried to ask yes or no questions. I had wanted to pursue a career in journalism you see. Then some relatives came to visit and I was shoo-ed out of the room. I never had a chance to finish the conversation with my Kung Kung. In fact, the night when he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, the adults conveniently left the kids behind. I didn’t care, I called for a taxi and together with my brother, we went to see him at the hospital. Only to be shoo-ed away by the adults again (this “to be seen and not heard” practise has got to stop somehow). We were told to return the next morning. I sat in front of the altar and prayed and prayed that night to be able to see Kung Kung again. I didn’t make it to see Kung Kung one last time. It was also then that I stopped praying altogether. I only started praying again after I got married.

Second was my late Ah Kung. When I was working in Malaysia, I went back to the village quite often to see my Ah Kung and Ah Por and brought them out for dinner. On one of the visits back, it was raining rather heavily during dinner time. So instead of struggling with the storm, I went out to pack food back for Ah Kung. I even still remember which stall I got it from – it was the economy rice stall next to the temple. Got back and I prepared the meal for Ah Kung to eat. Just that, I was not aware that one of the vegetable dishes I got for Ah Kung had chillies in it. Ah Kung coughed and choked so badly from the spiciness that he ended up not being able to finish the rest of the rice and dishes. He only had two spoons of his dinner. I left the next morning thinking I would see him again and have a complete meal with him. And again, second time unfinished business – Ah Kung passed away before I could make my next trip back to the village. In my head, my last dinner with him was not finished. In fact, I screwed up such an easy thing as to getting the wrong vegetable dish for him! It was my fault. 😭😭😭

Third, was my Por Por. She had been unwell for many years and her health was deteriorating too during her last few years. She was wheelchair-bound. I regretted that I had always thought to take her for a trip and I never made that happen. At those times, I was struggling still with finances and my business and work, but taking her for a road trip was one of my top things to do. I remembered I had an event in Phuket on the morning that she fell ill. She was in the car cos my parents were taking her to the hospital and I was going to jump into my colleague’s car to get to the airport. I gave her a hug while she was still in the car and I told her “Por Por, I will come back to see you, ok?” And she said “Ok!” And she passed away while I was midway through my event in Phuket. I didn’t get to come back to see her. It broke my heart.

So there – the knots in my heart for the last many, many, years, living with these “unfinished business”. My grandparents had dotted upon me from when I was born till the day they held their last breath. I had no favourites – I loved them all the same and dearly but I was pretty sure I was their favourite grandchild. It traumatizes me as I watch the people I love around me grow older and older with each passing year. And my arse luck with “unfinished business” never fails to haunt me every so often. There are nights where I can’t sleep because my mind would accidentally find itself wandering back to these moments and I would wish I had a second chance with all of them. So I try my best with those who are still around, and I want to make sure everyone is happy and well. I would give generously to my family and never calculate again about it. I wanted the best for my parents and I would give them the best. I don’t want to go to bed angry and a lot of times, when it comes to my loved ones, I would choose to let it be. Because I do not want to regret anything later.

But this situation with my Ah Por is now driving me quite crazy and stressed up – I am tired and emotionally drained. If I really screwed up this time, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. My parents have planned a trip in the next few days to check on Ah Por and the Home. And now, all I can do is pray. I hope my prayers are heard this time 😭😭😭