I'm not sure how long this rant will be but I do know that it will be personal.
Looks like the raining season has descended upon Phnom Penh. Last week, I was caught in the heavy rains and floods on my way back from the orphanage on my borrowed grandmama bike. Given the Eileen back then, I would've looked up into the sky and screamed "WHY ME???!!!" But last week, the first thought that entered my mind was "If any of my friends could see me now, they would laugh like KKC or till KKC drop." This grandmama bike with the basket and the bell that doesn't work (much to my dismay) has the tendency to make me laugh whenever I'm on it. The situation was rather unfortunate, getting drenched in the rain and having to wade through yucky, gooey floodwaters. But imagining how I looked made for some comic relief.
It also gave room for some reflections on my life thus far.
I always knew that I was meant for great things in life. My vision of "great" back then was to be an overwhelming success and the symbols of my success comes in the shape of a huge mansion, maids-in-waiting, luxury cars (to be exact, I've always loved the MR2 convertible) - basically all materialistic things. Growing up in a middle-class family shaped a lot of these visions. The TV helped. Haha. But also my parents. Back then, I think parents were always comparing, you know - "So-and-so's daughter is doing so well and drives a Merc...." or "You remember Uncle so-and-so? His son is now very successful.... and every month taking the parents for holidays......" You get the drift (I specifically remember a Petronas ad which was such a spot on for this situation). Hence, I felt - in order to ensure my parents get to brag, I needed to be succesful with all the status symbols to go along with it. In other words, I wanted my parents to be proud of me too. But it was not all my parents, really. I was an ambitious child. Very.
So therefore, I started chasing down these "great" visions of mine. I got my straight 'A's from school to uni, got my scholarships, when others took 4 subjects, I signed-up for 8, I went on to work, got promotions after promotions by working nights, weekends, graveyard shifts, I was careful with my money, saving up to buy that million-dollar mansion. I basically ran like a horse and I never looked back. I cried when I failed, I beat myself up when a small milestone wasn't achieved (who cries getting a C3 for their 1119 exams???! Moi. I did.) On hindsight, I should've stopped for awhile, took a breather and THINK. That I wasn't one who grew up needing branded items should've been an early sign. That I didn't (and still don't) have the patience for shopping should've been another sign. That I once gave up an entire's month's salary to the North Korean famine victims should've been yet another sign. That I would get excited, purchasing an RM3 pair of sandals and making sure they lasted for 5 years minimum was a sure sign. That I always had a soft spot for those less privileged than I was another sign. And of course, that I married a poor man out of love and my wedding ring is made of 925 silver from Perlini's sealed the deal :P (have you ever heard of Perlini's??? :P)
It took a long time, but I finally realized that what Someone up there had in mind for the "greatness" I was meant for, didn't include private jets, a two-storey mansion, a holiday home, diamonds and a Swiss bank account. Some heads-up would've been nice to spare me the anger, frustrations and heartaches. But again, reflecting back, I suppose, it was a journey I needed to take. I feared failure, I feared not making my parents proud, I feared not being able to pay my bills, I feared not being able to achieve my goals. I was not a happy person, I can tell you that. I am on the edge almost everyday trying to make it work for me, chasing down my goals. But I learnt that without fear, there is no courage.
I suppose, all the unhappiness escalated into a pretty bad spell in 2010 and I don't want to repeat the story again. (Actually, it just crossed my mind that when my FB was hacked into and deleted in 2010, it must be some divine intervention of sorts since almost every status update back then was really negative and not-so-perky!). But embarking on a more spiritual journey had helped open my mind to a lot more things. Prayers helped too. Reading up all these spiritual books also helped clear my mind of certain things that were holding me back. Excuses, Fear and Ego.
That I came in contact with a particularly difficult client - who was brazenly rich but oh-so-got-the-wrong-perspective-in-life pushed me ahead with my decision to scale down on my time spent for work and increase my time spent on voluntary work. I know this would mean a cut-back on earnings but I've had enough of unhappiness and frustrations. And I realized something else too - I don't have to prove anything to anyone else but myself. But more so was the fact that I had a lot of self-realization of what a bloody lucky and privileged child I had been and therefore, as long as I can put food on my table, I can spare myself, my time and my money for others. (I cannot say thank you enough to LY for that unforgettable FB status - if that rich client pushed me to the edge, your FB status pushed me over it.)
Actually, ego and 'face' were the main problems and I believe are the main problems for a lot of people. But who am I to judge? Anyway, back then, I think I would've died before I would be seen riding a grandmama bike to work - that was like a sign of failure to me. I also hated thinking that people thought of me as a "housewife" and a bad one at that. I mean, which one sounds more 'fui-yoh'? "Oh, I own a public-listed company" or "I work from home" or "I volunteer at the orphanage during my free time." Guess what? What is 'fui-yoh' to you, may not be 'fui-yoh' to others or to me. So therefore - who cares? What you think and do is between you and your God. What I think and do is between me and my God.
A very good friend of mine (Batu!!!!) came to me with some Desperate Housewife drama last week. The old Eileen would've fueled the situation by taking her side and telling her to slap the enemy. But now, I told her to walk away and ignore. In fact, give them the other cheek! LOL! As for me, I try now - keyword being 'try' - to walk away from a bad situation and not assigning any emotion to it. I don't need to defend myself to what or how others judge me. Believe me, it is easier said than done. But you know what? The day I get slap and offer the other cheek, would be the day I am Lord Buddha himself :P I am after all still a work-in-progress human being with all the emotional flaws - one with impatience and temper :P (My mind is a calm lake. Let nothing ripple it :P)
I'm moving to Myanmar in 5 days' time. I'm sad to leave because of the children. But excited to start a whole new chapter of my life (with MOH of course). I don't get into any country with a chip on my shoulder. So, I've got myself an appointment with the owner of Citimart - a local supermarket chain there. Well,..... I wasn't kidding about trying to get a job as a part-time cashier. I also don't mind bartering my work-hours with grocery-shopping vouchers :) My Mom's response to me was "Why so not ambitious anymore?" Hmmm.....
Actually, no, I'm even more motivated now than I have been in a long time and I am still ambitious. But in different ways and down a different path. I know I have to create a balance between earning my keeps and volunteering my time. I love what I do now, for my business work and for my voluntary work. Business-wise, as long as there's business coming in, it means I have cash and a portion of these are going into a fund for the kids at Happy Tree - for their future. Perhaps enrolling them for vocational training or something which would help them secure jobs. I don't know. Haven't thought this through properly, but the standing instruction has been made to set aside this money every month.
But most importantly, I realise now, I really don't need all those maids, or cars, or that mansion to be happy. Wait, wait - I stop short at a squat toilet, ok?? No squat toilets :P I'll make do without the Jamie Oliver kitchen or the outdoor jacuzzi. But it better be a throne in the toilet. (For those of you who are lost - this paragraph refers to our nightmarish apartment-hunting in Yangon).
In case my business partners are worried that I am entering semi-retirement - don't. Like I said, I am still hungry for business and opportunities. For my core business - NS - I am just very thankful for the support of my partners, C & C, for helping me build the business and bring it to where it is today. Expansion plans are in the pipeline and we're all working on that. My businesses here in Cambodia isn't going to die without me being here. Yes, I got screwed over pretty badly but we got back on our feet and my local team is hell-bent on swimming, not drowning :) I'm pleased and I am proud. When I have wedding clients for TWP, I would fly back - the same as how we fly everywhere for destination weddings. I still love my work for JFT too and hopefully, this will continue on with possibly Myanmar venues included for our next edition :) Now, I just need to pray that internet access in Myanmar isn't going to make me hang myself on a daily basis while working on all the above.
As for Myanmar - I'm happy to be a housewife (but MOH better be keeping good his wedding vows about the household chores or I'll not be keeping no calm minds :P), a part-time cashier, a volunteer worker, etc... But that doesn't mean I am not looking at opportunities. Just that - instead of running blindly now, I hope I have the maturity and wisdom to make great choices and options ;)
And I also hope that my parents are proud enough to know that they have brought me up well - as a person, minus the luxuries, the annual holiday trips and all that jazz :) After all, they were the ones who brought us to old folks' home and orphanage visits when we were kids. A lesson well learnt back then indeed.
It also gave room for some reflections on my life thus far.
I always knew that I was meant for great things in life. My vision of "great" back then was to be an overwhelming success and the symbols of my success comes in the shape of a huge mansion, maids-in-waiting, luxury cars (to be exact, I've always loved the MR2 convertible) - basically all materialistic things. Growing up in a middle-class family shaped a lot of these visions. The TV helped. Haha. But also my parents. Back then, I think parents were always comparing, you know - "So-and-so's daughter is doing so well and drives a Merc...." or "You remember Uncle so-and-so? His son is now very successful.... and every month taking the parents for holidays......" You get the drift (I specifically remember a Petronas ad which was such a spot on for this situation). Hence, I felt - in order to ensure my parents get to brag, I needed to be succesful with all the status symbols to go along with it. In other words, I wanted my parents to be proud of me too. But it was not all my parents, really. I was an ambitious child. Very.
So therefore, I started chasing down these "great" visions of mine. I got my straight 'A's from school to uni, got my scholarships, when others took 4 subjects, I signed-up for 8, I went on to work, got promotions after promotions by working nights, weekends, graveyard shifts, I was careful with my money, saving up to buy that million-dollar mansion. I basically ran like a horse and I never looked back. I cried when I failed, I beat myself up when a small milestone wasn't achieved (who cries getting a C3 for their 1119 exams???! Moi. I did.) On hindsight, I should've stopped for awhile, took a breather and THINK. That I wasn't one who grew up needing branded items should've been an early sign. That I didn't (and still don't) have the patience for shopping should've been another sign. That I once gave up an entire's month's salary to the North Korean famine victims should've been yet another sign. That I would get excited, purchasing an RM3 pair of sandals and making sure they lasted for 5 years minimum was a sure sign. That I always had a soft spot for those less privileged than I was another sign. And of course, that I married a poor man out of love and my wedding ring is made of 925 silver from Perlini's sealed the deal :P (have you ever heard of Perlini's??? :P)
It took a long time, but I finally realized that what Someone up there had in mind for the "greatness" I was meant for, didn't include private jets, a two-storey mansion, a holiday home, diamonds and a Swiss bank account. Some heads-up would've been nice to spare me the anger, frustrations and heartaches. But again, reflecting back, I suppose, it was a journey I needed to take. I feared failure, I feared not making my parents proud, I feared not being able to pay my bills, I feared not being able to achieve my goals. I was not a happy person, I can tell you that. I am on the edge almost everyday trying to make it work for me, chasing down my goals. But I learnt that without fear, there is no courage.
I suppose, all the unhappiness escalated into a pretty bad spell in 2010 and I don't want to repeat the story again. (Actually, it just crossed my mind that when my FB was hacked into and deleted in 2010, it must be some divine intervention of sorts since almost every status update back then was really negative and not-so-perky!). But embarking on a more spiritual journey had helped open my mind to a lot more things. Prayers helped too. Reading up all these spiritual books also helped clear my mind of certain things that were holding me back. Excuses, Fear and Ego.
That I came in contact with a particularly difficult client - who was brazenly rich but oh-so-got-the-wrong-perspective-in-life pushed me ahead with my decision to scale down on my time spent for work and increase my time spent on voluntary work. I know this would mean a cut-back on earnings but I've had enough of unhappiness and frustrations. And I realized something else too - I don't have to prove anything to anyone else but myself. But more so was the fact that I had a lot of self-realization of what a bloody lucky and privileged child I had been and therefore, as long as I can put food on my table, I can spare myself, my time and my money for others. (I cannot say thank you enough to LY for that unforgettable FB status - if that rich client pushed me to the edge, your FB status pushed me over it.)
Actually, ego and 'face' were the main problems and I believe are the main problems for a lot of people. But who am I to judge? Anyway, back then, I think I would've died before I would be seen riding a grandmama bike to work - that was like a sign of failure to me. I also hated thinking that people thought of me as a "housewife" and a bad one at that. I mean, which one sounds more 'fui-yoh'? "Oh, I own a public-listed company" or "I work from home" or "I volunteer at the orphanage during my free time." Guess what? What is 'fui-yoh' to you, may not be 'fui-yoh' to others or to me. So therefore - who cares? What you think and do is between you and your God. What I think and do is between me and my God.
A very good friend of mine (Batu!!!!) came to me with some Desperate Housewife drama last week. The old Eileen would've fueled the situation by taking her side and telling her to slap the enemy. But now, I told her to walk away and ignore. In fact, give them the other cheek! LOL! As for me, I try now - keyword being 'try' - to walk away from a bad situation and not assigning any emotion to it. I don't need to defend myself to what or how others judge me. Believe me, it is easier said than done. But you know what? The day I get slap and offer the other cheek, would be the day I am Lord Buddha himself :P I am after all still a work-in-progress human being with all the emotional flaws - one with impatience and temper :P (My mind is a calm lake. Let nothing ripple it :P)
I'm moving to Myanmar in 5 days' time. I'm sad to leave because of the children. But excited to start a whole new chapter of my life (with MOH of course). I don't get into any country with a chip on my shoulder. So, I've got myself an appointment with the owner of Citimart - a local supermarket chain there. Well,..... I wasn't kidding about trying to get a job as a part-time cashier. I also don't mind bartering my work-hours with grocery-shopping vouchers :) My Mom's response to me was "Why so not ambitious anymore?" Hmmm.....
Actually, no, I'm even more motivated now than I have been in a long time and I am still ambitious. But in different ways and down a different path. I know I have to create a balance between earning my keeps and volunteering my time. I love what I do now, for my business work and for my voluntary work. Business-wise, as long as there's business coming in, it means I have cash and a portion of these are going into a fund for the kids at Happy Tree - for their future. Perhaps enrolling them for vocational training or something which would help them secure jobs. I don't know. Haven't thought this through properly, but the standing instruction has been made to set aside this money every month.
But most importantly, I realise now, I really don't need all those maids, or cars, or that mansion to be happy. Wait, wait - I stop short at a squat toilet, ok?? No squat toilets :P I'll make do without the Jamie Oliver kitchen or the outdoor jacuzzi. But it better be a throne in the toilet. (For those of you who are lost - this paragraph refers to our nightmarish apartment-hunting in Yangon).
In case my business partners are worried that I am entering semi-retirement - don't. Like I said, I am still hungry for business and opportunities. For my core business - NS - I am just very thankful for the support of my partners, C & C, for helping me build the business and bring it to where it is today. Expansion plans are in the pipeline and we're all working on that. My businesses here in Cambodia isn't going to die without me being here. Yes, I got screwed over pretty badly but we got back on our feet and my local team is hell-bent on swimming, not drowning :) I'm pleased and I am proud. When I have wedding clients for TWP, I would fly back - the same as how we fly everywhere for destination weddings. I still love my work for JFT too and hopefully, this will continue on with possibly Myanmar venues included for our next edition :) Now, I just need to pray that internet access in Myanmar isn't going to make me hang myself on a daily basis while working on all the above.
As for Myanmar - I'm happy to be a housewife (but MOH better be keeping good his wedding vows about the household chores or I'll not be keeping no calm minds :P), a part-time cashier, a volunteer worker, etc... But that doesn't mean I am not looking at opportunities. Just that - instead of running blindly now, I hope I have the maturity and wisdom to make great choices and options ;)
And I also hope that my parents are proud enough to know that they have brought me up well - as a person, minus the luxuries, the annual holiday trips and all that jazz :) After all, they were the ones who brought us to old folks' home and orphanage visits when we were kids. A lesson well learnt back then indeed.
