My Ah Por

(a working draft of my novel : "Growing Up A Chinese Daughter")

I am extremely close to my Ah Por, eversince I was a kid. I am, after all, the first grandchild for the "Lui" family. And I remained the only grandchild for a good 3 years before my brother came and stole the limelight from me as he then became the first grandSON in the family :P

Whilst my Ku Cher refers to me as my Ah Por's "Sum Korn Ting" (which translates to the apple of my Ah Por's eyes), I have often been scolded and caned by Ah Por when I was a kid. Ah Por is now 83 years old (I only found this out about two months ago when I helped her pack her IC) and the last time she caned me was when I was 8 years old because I stole Marmite and ate till I puked all over the living room. She was baby-sitting me then.

My Ah Por had been a very independent woman. Sadly, she and my late Ah Kung had not gotten along well - even before I was born. It used to baffle me when I saw them sleeping separately. Even though I had all my "why? why? why?" (I was a really annoying kid, I think!) - the adults believed that children were to be seen and not heard. Only much later when I could understand things better, I realized why they slept apart.

When I was a kid, I used to spend my school holidays with Ah Por in the kampung too. Those were one of the happiest memories of my life. Back then, especially in the kampung, kids could run around freely and we played hide-and-seek in each other's houses without needing to get permission. We had swings made out of old rattan chairs hanging from trees, paper planes and paper boats which disintergrated after just one flight or one docking. Where would Ah Por be while I ran around wildly in my kampung freedom (I hated the city for this aspect - that we could never run around so freely)? She would be doing some household chores, or she would be preparing simple lunch and dinner or she would be gambling - her favourite past time.

Ah Por also traveled to KL very often on her own. She would take the train or the bus from Ipoh, and then from the railway station or Pudu Bus Station, she would take a few buses to get to either our place or to my Suk Suk's place. I had on numerous occasions gone on these train and bus rides with her as a kid and I loved it.

I am not so sure why I am so attached to Ah Por, but I just am. She does spoil me silly, even up till now. In fact, with the Lui family, I am known to have everyone twisted around my fingers. Ahhh.. the first few years of being the centre of attention did pay off ;) Anyway, one of my early memories of Ah Por and how much of a grand impression she made upon me as my 'saviour' of sorts was when I was 6 or 7 years old - I was being walloped by my Mom for not practising the piano or something like that and I screamed out "I will call Ah Por and tell her you beat me!!!!!" Needless to say, my Mom was seething after my remark. And there was another time when I was being caned by my Dad (Jeez, I must've been really naughty as a kid for all the canings!!) and my Ah Por shielded me from a few of the rotan strokes. These memories really sealed themselves upon me and cast Ah Por as someone I could turn to when in harm's way. (By harm, I meant from any scolding or caning from my parents :P).

Another fond memory I have of Ah Por was one Chinese New Year and due to water rationing at the kampung, we had no water for many days. Finally, we had no choice but to get water from the nearby river. We all had to carry pails of water back to the house - and it was a good 1km - 2km walk. I was 18 then, and totally behaving like a 'princess' and was struggling with my pail of water. Ah Por came over to me and said "Haiya, look at you! Didn't eat rice that's why! Move away!" and then she put me to shame by carrying my pail and her pail of water back to the house. That was how I knew Ah Por was a very strong woman despite her age!

Ah Por also was the creator of Stinky - my best friend in bed, my one and only busuk pau. She made Stinky for me back when I was 5 years old. I still sleep with Stinky up till today. She used to tease me, that I would still be carrying the sorry looking pillow when I get married. And then, the day came and her words became true. I did get married with Stinky in tow :P Ah Por was also a good seamstress - she made all these patchwork - and I had a blanket (which is now being used by my Ku Cher) made from patchwork by my Ah Por for me.

Ah Por was the greatest Zhung Zai (gluttinous rice dumplings) maker in the world. And the "Lui" family members - we all love Zhung Zai - but ONLY those made by Ah Por. In 2007, I went back to the kampung during the Zung Zai Festival and tried to learn the art of making Zhung Zai from my Ah Por. Alas...... the art is lost on me! I couldn't even wrap the Zhung Zai correctly - preferring to wrap it the "Eileen Style" - which Ah Por pointed, was something I did as a kid when I used to help her wrap Zhung Zai too. She always called me "Ting Nga Yi" - which simply means crazy - because I just liked doing things differently! Like when rolling the Tong Yuen (gluttinous rice balls), I would make worm-shaped ones instead of the round balls. I also found out from Ku Cher that Ah Por used to make excellent kuih lapis, kuih talam, chee cheong fun and all these yummy snacks. Very unfortunately, I never got to try any of them and she has claimed to have forgotten all of the methods and recipes! 2007 - was the last time Ah Por made Zhung Zai for the family as she has now gotten older and weaker and standing for long hours made her leg painful.

To be honest with you - I do not know a lot about my Ah Por. This is because she doesn't like talking to us about her. She likes talking to us about us. I have bits and pieces of information about her. I know that she isn't from China, unlike my Ah Kung. I know that her hometown is in Kampar. I know she has a lot of sisters and brothers - I do not remember how many. I know that she is a good mahjong player. I know that she used to tap rubber trees. I know that she used to be a cook for a chinese family in Ipoh. I know that she used to smoke Dunhill. I know that she is very superstitious and she is a staunch Taoist. I think that is about it. Whenever I asked her about something I would like to know - her only answer is "I don't remember anymore." As I said, she preferred to regale us with her memories of us as kids or of my Dad and uncles and aunties as kids. Those anecdotes she told me were often very funny - and always repeated :) But I never minded listening to them over and over again. I know she enjoys reminiscing.

Anyway, as I grew older, my bond with Ah Por grew deeper. As I went through life's ups and downs, she would always be around to nag me. I may not confide in her, but she just enjoy lecturing me about life and sometimes, her lecture makes sense and they helped me unwind the knots in my head. When she had finished regaling me with stories from the past, she would sometimes throw in advice - on how to be a better person. This was what I referred to as the "nagging". I may not necessarily heed her advise, but sometimes, they do stick in my head - waiting for the right moment for the light to shine at the end of the tunnel.

Actually, her advice were really simple - work hard, don't be greedy, keep healthy and most importantly, be happy. If you're not happy, it is of no use. But she also said, sometimes, even if we were not happy, we still had to get the job done. We should not give up so easily. Then it goes back to the "working hard" advise. I take all these to heart. As I said, I may not heed them - but when the time is right, they somehow become useful. She also tells me to be a good wife now that I am married. Mostly, she says "Don't bully your husband." Which is really quite funny. I'll tell you this, whilst my family would advise me not to bully my husband, should they find out that my husband is bullying me - he's dead meat :P

I was glad that I finally granted her one of her wishes - to see me get married. The only reason I had one reception in the kampung was for Ah Por. Just ill-luck, that 2 weeks before the wedding, she fell and broke her leg and as such, could not potter around to fuss over my wedding. But when I asked if she was happy, she said "Happy, of course happy!" and thus, I was happy. Now, she wants great-grandchildren! Oh dear.

As far as I know, Ah Por had never made any demands or anything like that. She believes that the young people have our own lives to lead and we need to get on with our lives. She always tells me not to worry about her. She would say "I am an old person. Why do you need to worry about me? You are young. You need to worry about yourself, your diet, your work. Make sure you are happy, ok?" If she was ill, she would choose not to tell anyone - except perhaps, my Sam Suk (who is still single) and Sai Ku Cher, both of whom see her everyday. She would ask them not to tell the rest of us in case we got worried and drove all the way to Ipoh to look in on her. Yet, I know when the whole family is back to celebrate CNY with her, she is very, very happy. She told me once - as long as she sees that everyone is healthy and happy, then she is happy too.

She had not travelled anywhere else and the only time she set foot outside of Malaysia was when I took her for the Star Cruise holiday to Phuket. It was extremely enjoyable and she was very cute throughout the whole trip! The first thing she said when we boarded was "Wahh.... why so many gwai los one?" And then I made her try everything on the buffet line, including raw oysters, caviar and champagne - which she said she just swallowed it whole cos it was so yucky looking! She roamed around the cruise on her own and took photos with sailors and crews! And then she was even doing the Chicken Dance on the night of the farewell party organized by the Captain of the cruise! She was just so sporting! Why a cruise, you ask? Because Ah Por refused to take the plane. As such - she missed my graduation in Australia and she missed my wedding in Bali too!

She does not make demands for money, but yet, we all try to give her whatever we can afford. During festivities when we were back at the kampung, she would use these monies to buy all the good "york choy" and double boil them for the whole family to drink. The rest of her savings would be spent on prayer items and gambling on mahjong or 4D.

Speaking of prayer items - Ah Por is the only one in the house who knows exactly what to do, what prayer items to lay out, how to fold the paper items, what is the first step, second step, third... right down to the last step. Now that she is getting older and weaker, and with her leg not fully healed, I try to help her do the prayers. But you know what? I only do it once a year. I can never remember all the steps. Come the following year, she still has to guide me through it.

Although I have made notes and taken picture references of what to do during the prayers, I think my mind subconsciously rejects keeping it in mind because I want Ah Por to be there every year to guide me through the prayers.

I simply cannot imagine not having her around.

My Por Por

(a working draft of my novel : "Growing Up A Chinese Daughter")

I had written about my Grandpas - after they had passed on. It seemed a tad too late - to let them know how I really felt about them. That they had touched my life in ways that have made me who I am today. The story I wrote about my Kung Kung (maternal grandpa) was published in The Star (1993) and the story I wrote about Ah Kung (paternal grandpa) was read in a Readings session.

As such, I've decided that I would like to write about these great persons whom I am lucky enough to be part of in a family, who are so much a part of my life before it is too late. I'll start with my Por Por (maternal grandma).

You know how it is with old folks from those days. You never get their age correct, for some reason. Remind me to steal a peek at Por Por's IC the next time I get a chance. My Por Por is now confined to a wheelchair and sadly, I am no longer as closed to her as I used to be as a kid.

When I was still in school - right up to my teenage years, most of my school holidays were spent staying over at Por Por's place down in KL. I am pretty sure my Mom was glad I was out of her hair, but mostly - I asked to stay because simply said - I enjoyed myself. I only have very vague memories of the place in Chow Kit - when my great grandmother, Ah Tai was still around. What I recall more was the place near Jalan Tun Razak - which is also Por Por's current address.

Here's how a typical day would be back then :

The entire household would get up as early as 4am in the mornings. My Kung Kung, my Kow Fu, my Ah Yee and of course, my Por Por. My Por Por would send my Kung Kung off to the market to get breakfast for the family (we would each place our orders with Kung Kung - except me. He already knew what my favourite breakfast was and even how I liked it packed!). And he would also shop for the ingredients for that day's lunch and dinner menu.

He would come back with all the items - never missing a single thing from Por Por's list (even though he never took notes) and we would all sit down for morning breakfast together. Sometimes, I would follow Kung Kung out to the market - because it was extremely enjoyable and he would buy extra "goodies" for me - like almond nuts or century eggs - both of which he and I enjoyed very much.

Anyway, after breakfast, everyone would leave for work. And there would only be myself and Por Por left in the house. Por Por was a full-time housewife and from young, I've always observed how she strived to take care of the family and the house without help. She would sweep the floor, mop the floor, hang the laundry outside and wipe dust off the furnitures and displays in the mornings. Then, she would be preparing lunch in the kitchen - while listening to Radio 5's "Chinese Story Time." (Me? I would be doing my homework or reading my book - and I think part of why I enjoyed staying with Por Por was because I escaped doing the household chores at home!). When she was preparing lunch, I would climb onto a stool in the kitchen and watch her. The mincing, slicing, chopping, shredding, frying, stewing, boiling, - everything!.

What I really remember most of my stay with my Por Por was the fabulous home-cooked food she whipped up during my stay. As the "guest-of-honour" during my stays, I got to demand for my favourite dishes! And they were all home-cooked Hakka dishes - which my Por Por specializes in. There's the Cha Chu Yuk, Gu Low Yuk, Yong Tau Foo, and then there's her special Chicken Curry, Assam Fish.... and then my favourite - Minced Dried Shrimp and Belacan fried extra spicy just for me! I could finish two bowls of rice just on this dish alone!

Anyway, I was really fascinated as a kid to watch her do magic in the kitchen. I would be asking so many questions : "Por Por, why you do this? Por Por, why you put this inside? Por Por, why this, Por Por, why that?" But she would patiently explain to me all the 'whys'. Sometimes, she would let me stir whatever she's cooking and I would proudly exclaim that "Look, Por Por! I can cook!" and she would say "So clever."

She would be done by around the same time as when the radio chinese drama ends. And then she would do the ironing. After which - yummy, yummy, lunch is served for me. She would sit and eat with me. She would always tell me when I was a baby, I was so well-behaved when she was baby-sitting me. She says this of both my brother and I till today. After lunch - all I needed to do was to bring my plate over to the sink. She would do the washing (another plus point of staying with Por Por!). And then, I would go back to entertaining myself while she does the laundry.

After that, she would sit on the floor to read the newspaper - Sin Chew Jit Poh (where my Kung Kung was a journalist with) and sometimes, I would ask her what's happening or I would try to point out some chinese characters which I could recognize. And then, she would fall asleep on the floor. Everyday, same time, same spot. When she woke up, she would bring in the clothes and start folding them or starching them. She's the type who made sure even my Kung Kung's boxers are ironed tediously.

And then I would get cartoon TV time while she prepared for dinner. Even though there were leftovers from lunch, she would still make a fresh dish or two for dinner as everyone came home for dinner then. This would be my yummy-yummy round two for the day :) She would also be preparing dinner for Tony, the doggy. She would stew some bones and rice for the dog. (Tony grew up at the Chow Kit house and moved together with the family till he too, passed on, shortly after Kung Kung passed away.... from heartbreak..... )

While I watched cartoons, Kung Kung would get home. And Por Por would come out and fetched his house slippers for him and laid out his home-clothings (white singlet and boxer shorts) for him while he took a shower. And then she would continue to potter around the kitchen. Kung Kung usually took a short nap while waiting for dinner to be served and then I got to eat dinner with Kung Kung. Usually, we would finish dinner before my Ah Yee and Kow Fu got back from work (and sometimes, I would go in for round three with them! I was a growing child then :P) While we were having dinner, Por Por would be feeding Tony. Yes, feeding Tony with a spoon. Again, I would usually watch in fascination at this.

And then, we would all sit to watch the Chinese News on RTM2 (now TV2) in which, there shall be no talking or whispering as my Kung Kung demands absolute silence when he watched the news. After the news - we sat around watching a chinese drama series or some other programmes and then guess what? It would be bed time. For all. That would be barely 9pm. Such was a typical day at Por Por's place.

My Por Por had a very eccentric characteristic. Her sofa set - was not meant to be sat on. Only if guests came. We usually sat on the floor or on some foot stools. Only two persons were allowed to shower in her bathroom - me (I am after all - the guest of honour :P) and Por Por. Even my Kung Kung had to take his shower in the guest bathroom! But when I do shower in her bathroom, I had to make sure that the other half of the bathroom which has the toilet was dry. It's all a little weird - but it didn't affect me very much, so I didn't care.

She and Kung Kung often traveled and they had gone all the way to Disneyland in the US of A. At the age of 60 or so, she was still on roller-coasters and free-fall rides and also had the photos to prove it. She was also quite a glamourous lady - going for hair perms every Sundays - which my Kung Kung took her as she didn't drive nor took the public transport, she had on nail polish and would put on red lipstick when she went out.

She was fierce too. Everyone in the family went by her "rules" (no seating on the sofa, lights off 8pm, morning call at 4am... etc). My Ah Yee used to call her Empress Dowager. But she had never scolded me. Not so much as a spank either. I guess, I never gave her a reason to do so.

Sadly, after Kung Kung passed on in 1993, things somehow took a turn for the worse for her and for the family. My Kung Kung had always been the one taking care of her - doing the marketing, taking her out to perm her hair, etc. I think whilst she was saddened by his passing, she felt helpless without him around and perhaps, just perhaps, resented it a little. Also, at that time, Kow Fu already had a family of his own to take care of and was sometimes unable to accommodate her requests to ferry her for her hair perm or buy an onion. My Ah Yee - sadly, does not drive.

It was this period of time, where I hardly showed up at her place anymore. For me, I was trying to get over my Kung Kung's passing. Visiting the house only reminded me of his absence. And then, I was a little annoyed at the family for fighting over assets and all that. As a "child" - the "adults" felt that it was not in my place to make any comments. Especially so when I am only the grandchild on the daughter's side - which means - I am a "ngoi shuen" - which literally translates to "outside grandchild". All these irked me. As such, I no longer accompanied my parents to Por Por's house for weekend visits. I used to never missed a single weekend. I still made sure I showed up for the big occassions, like Mother's Day or Por Por's birthday.....

From here on - the close bond that I shared with my Por Por slowly, but surely..... fizzled away. One of the last fond remaining memories I had of my Por Por in good health was when she came to send me off at the airport when I went to Australia to finish my degree. And then, Por Por's health went downhill from there. Not rolling downhill, but slowly..... it started, leading right up to her being in a wheelchair now.

And it hadn't helped that Por Por's apparently giving a lot of troubles to my Mom who is trying to take care of her, and giving hell to the maid as well. I hear my Mom lament about these issues a lot. But for whatever reasons - everytime I go visit my Por Por (I would drop by once in a while to look in on her), she would be in her best behaviour. So, I am also at a loss. Because I am not able to see it with my own eyes.

Sometimes, when I do look in on Por Por, my heart would ache. Surely I would feel like shit too - if I am confined to a wheelchair. If you could just imagine - you were traveling the world, riding roller-coasters, going out for hi-teas et al..... and now, you can't even go to the toilet on your own or wear your own clothes...... I do think, she is sometimes difficult because to her - she had lost her dignity. She had never really been independent because my Kung Kung took care of her. And then she's had to live the last 17 years without him - and half of that, in this state of health. I feel very, very sorry for her.

Por Por taught me manners as a child. Through manners, I learnt about respect and dignity.

Por Por has all of my respect - simply because I carry about very fond memories of her from my childhood days and I know she was an excellent wife and housewife. Eccentric, but excellent. My only regret was never taking notes when I was watching her cook - or my life would've turned out quite differently!

But I think, most of all, Por Por deserves to have her dignity - despite the conditions of her health.