Dearest Ah Por,
It’s been a year since you left us. And here I am, finally plucking up the
courage to have my first conversation with you. It’s been tough for me to
overcome my grief. I get triggered and it opens up the floodgates and it’s not
something I like doing. I thought as the time passed by, it’ll get better. It
doesn’t actually. I just keep finding ways to cope with it. I know me so well.
Anyway, I’ve put this off long enough so here I am.
You know, I really had to psyche myself up to put all I want to tell you in
words. And now I am already choking back my tears. I know what you will say.
You will say “Lei sor ka? No need to cry! Sei ting nga yee!” LOL. Over the last
one year, I keep having flashbacks of the final week I spent with you at the
hospital. The pain you went through and the helplessness I felt. What I do is
more often than not, I push those images away and shift my mind to something
else. But occasionally, I succumb because I am only human. I wish you were
actually here to comfort me and tell me that week is long gone and everything
is better now. The one thing that I cannot withstand is really that night when
you asked me for a cup of your favourite tea and because you were on tube-feeding,
you can’t have tea and you told me “I can’t even have a cup of tea?” That
killed me you know. But I also remembered that there was a morning where you
were a bit more alert and you told me that I looked so pretty. I am always
pretty, isn’t it? 😊
Ah Por, the world has gone crazy after you left. There’s this virus going
around. I had been cracking my head thinking – wow, if you were still around,
how do I explain this strange situation to you. We are at a time now where touching
and hugging causes harm. You remember how you used to shoo me away from you if
you were feeling a little ill cos you were afraid you might pass your germs to
me? Well, this is kinda like that. We have to be 6ft (I don’t even know what is
6ft in Chinese!!) apart from each other and stuff. Yes, the world is ‘chee seen’
now. In a way, I am so glad you and Ah Kung, Por Por and Kung Kung are all not
here to experience this craziness. I even initially thought the world was
coming to an end! LOLOL! The airports here in Myanmar and in Malaysia are
closed so I haven’t been able to fly home to see Mama and Papa. I feel so
trapped actually. The worse thing right now is to be away from family. But what
can we do? Right now, the strange situation is such that if I went home, I run
the risk of spreading this virus to Mama and Papa. Yes, yes, I pray every night
for them to be safe and sound. That’s my only prayer these days.
Because of this situation, and with nowhere to go also, the workload has piled
up so I focus a lot on my work. Of course there are unpleasant people who say
unpleasant things. I know too what you will say : “Why you care what other
people say? You just do your job. And you know something Ah Por? Recently, one
of these bad people had a really bad outcome happen to them. And I realized
what you said before was so on point. That we don’t need to bother what others
say or do. They will all one day come to be exposed. At first, I thought when I
heard the news about that bad person, I would be happy. I wasn’t. In fact, I
didn’t feel anything. But the first thing that came to my mind was your
precious words. And literally I felt – we must always be a good person
otherwise, we will get our karma somehow. And you also always told me : Don’t
steal. Don’t cheat. Don’t be lazy.” Never all of my life, Ah Por. I am lazy
only when it comes to household chores. LOLOL!!! But you know something????
Even this laziness has gone!!! Hah! Can you believe it? Can you see me from
heaven everyday cleaning and cleaning and cleaning the house? I swear to God my
house is as sanitized as the ICU at the hospital !!! I’ve never been so
obsessed about cleaning before! ANDDDDDDD you know what else???? I even pack home-cooked
breakfast and lunch for my husband to take to work ok!!! Hah! You cannot say I
am lazy as a wife again. Good thing is my husband is not so fussy with food. He
eats whatever I pack for him. Because I told him if he doesn’t eat, I will
stuff it all up his ass and he can cook his own meals! Hahahahahahahahahha!! Oh
well, Ah Por, I am still the same ‘samseng’ you love. 😊
Well, he does help me to clean the house. But just that he doesn’t clean it the
way I want it to be cleaned. Last time Mama and Papa used to scold me and pull
my ears to say I sweep and mop as if I am writing Chinese calligraphy on the
floor. Well, wait till they see my husband sweep and mop !! But nevermind, as
long as he is helping, I will shut up.
I know even back then you were always worried about our relationship cos I was
always coming home to see you. Don’t worry Ah Por. We’re really good. And in a
week’s time, we will be celebrating our 11th year as a married
couple! It’s a long time to be married! Last year, we didn’t celebrate
anything. Not even my birthday at the end of August. This year I kinda feel the
same. Cos your passing fell right very close to these 2 dates. August used to
be my fave month. I can kinda hear you. You told me before, (again, not before
you scolded me with “sei choon”) …. That I shouldn’t worry or bother too much
about the old and celebrate life and do what young people do. Well, let’s see
about the celebrating this year, Ah Por. For me, I just really wanna go home. ☹
Nope, still no kids. I know last time, you always wished I had kids because
they will keep me busy. That by starting my own family, I would be more focused
that way. Well…….. I dunno whatever you or whoever say, I am so thankful I made
the decision not to have kids! Yes, now I will finally tell you the truth – it was
a choice to not have kids. Although I think you already knew that cos you are
too smart. Remember all those times you kept asking me to go see a doctor on
why I couldn’t have kids and I used to say that it was my husband’s problem
that we couldn’t have kids? Yup, just threw him under the bus all those times!
Hahahahahha! Thinking back, those times were quite funny. LOLOL! Anyway, I wouldn’t
have made a good Mom. My husband said I would be such a ‘samseng’ Mom. I would
be shouting at the restaurant to my kid “You better eat or else I will stuff it
all up your ass!!” Hahahahahahahahahhahaha! So, he’s quite thankful that we
made this decision not to have kids. Hahahahaahhaahhahaa!!
Ernie’s two kids are growing up very well. You would know that they are both
super smart and adorable. Right now, they have no school – as I mentioned, it
is because of the strange virus situation. In fact, over in Australia, they are
being lockdowned again. I don’t know how to explain this to you. If you were
right here, I would tell you – they are in home jail. They can’t go anywhere
except to buy food. Yeah, that is the situation of the world now in most
countries. Except Myanmar though. For some reason, the virus is not so crazy
here so mostly, everything is as per normal in Myanmar. In Malaysia too it just
recently got normal with some rules and guidelines. Before that, Mama and Papa
were also in home-jail. We keep in touch, all of us on video call every week.
So the two old folks get to see their grandkids on video calls every week. It is
hard to get the two boys to sit down and focus on chatting. LOL. You remember video
calls? I used to have this sessions with you too, except that your hearing was
quite bad. Anyway, everyone is very well. For me too, though I miss Mama and
Papa so so so much, I am also happy to see that they are doing well being
home-jailed and keeping themselves entertained with cooking and home
improvement stuff.
You know we all even learnt to cut hair during this period! Hah! Can you
imagine?? So Mama cuts Papa’s hair. Well, she cuts her own hair too. Since shops
are closed and not advised to have close-contact due to the virus again. I cut
my husband’s hair and my husband cut my hair! Except that my husband is like
the worse person to cut hair for. He would be holding the mirror and checking
every single second and he would aji-ajor a lot ! Until I also want to just
take the scissors and cut everything off simply-simply! LOLOL! We are all also
cooking a lot at home. Ernie is a really great chef actually and he makes
fantastic dishes for his wife and kids. Mama had been giving us some of her popular
recipes to try as well. But you know, I am still a little lazy when it comes to
elaborate cooking. They said if they got home-jailed together with me, they
might die of starvation because I will only cook the same food every day!
LOLOLOLOL!!! No actually, I have different food every day. Just that every week
– it is the same menu. Monday = chicken. Tuesday = salad (recently I have been
addicted to snow fungus and I make this into salad). Wednesday = Soup. Thursday
= Tofu & Vege. Friday = no cooking. Saturday = Chicken. Sunday = Chicken.
Hahahahahahaha!! Because this is very easy to manage and don’t have to think so
much. I am so smart. And yes, yes….. I serve everything in the same pot that I
cook with cos less dishes to wash after that. I am also very smart like that.
LOLOLOL!!! I can hear you saying “That is not called smart. That is called
lazyyyy!” LOL!! I still remember the time you taught me how to cook your famous
vegetarian dish. I think I can still remember how to cook it. I just can’t find
“nam yu” in Myanmar. I even remember that day when I had the “cooking lesson”
with you. You scolded me a lot. And I was also busy trying to take photos of
the process. So you said “Haiya!!! You are actually cooking or taking photos???”
LOLOLOL !!! Recently, I have been quite obsessed watching this YouTuber girl
who creates contents of her life in rural China with her grandmother. She can
cook, do farming, do carpentry work and all that while she takes care of her
grandmother. The village is also very pretty. Well, I wished I had that life
too. But I think – if I lived with you like that, and if you were still able,
you would be the one taking care of me instead. I can’t even carry the water
from the well. LOLOLOL!! Don’t talk about me farming. All vegetables will die.
LOLOLOLOL ! You also know right?
Ah Por, I have continued to live my life well. Eat well, work hard, be a good
person. Never stopped at all. I think this three gem of an advise you gave is
so simple but so meaningful. Eat well because health is important. Work hard
because nothing good ever comes to those who are lazy. And be a good person
because a good person is a lot richer in many ways and not necessarily with
money. Though I think you won’t like to hear it – I have lost some weight. I am
not sure why. Maybe because of the world going crazy so sometimes I am also a
little anxious and worried. Although I do eat well. I never skip my meals or
eat less. I just eat healthy. Hahahaha. You know something? Because I thought the
world was coming to an end, I actually started drinking alcohol. But only on
Friday nights. Hahahahah. That’s why I don’t cook on Fridays. LOLOL!!
I miss you, Ah Por. You know how sometimes friends try to comfort you and they
tell you, “Oh Ah Por is in heaven having a blast with your Por Por, Kung Kung
and Ah Kung and all their old friends!” Part of me wants to believe that
because it is easier. The other part of me is like …. Yeah right. But the one
thing I know for sure is that I have four pairs of eyes looking over me from
heaven. So I feel good. I feel protected and I know that as long as I continue
to be a good person, you guys will continue to protect me from all the way in
heaven.
Oh yes! One more thing before I end……. Stinky is good too. I have not been able
to detach myself from Stinky for even a day now. Even though I may not use it,
I carry it with me even when I travelled (back at the time when we could
actually travel!) Anyway, there was one day where that idiot husband of mine,
decided to complain about Stinky to me right in the middle of our grocery
shopping. He told me “Stinky is torn and broken already!! If it’s not fixed
need to throw away!!” And just like that – my floodgates opened. I wanted to
punch him so hard at that time cos he made me cry in public!! Thinking back, I
think I frightened him a bit with my crying reaction! Hahahahahaha! Cos the
very next day, he sewed some new ‘clothes’ for Stinky and wrapped Stinky up
with it. Yes, I guess, I have a very understanding husband. So you don’t have
to worry about us, Ah Por.
Ok, now I gotta go. We will talk more, ok? Grief is a strange thing. And I am
not even sure we actually get over grief. But don’t worry. I will live well,
eat well, work hard and be a good person. Always.
Love,
Your Ting Nga Yee
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