Messages At Midnight: Am I Making A Difference Or Not?

The Three Love Of My Life

Last weekend, aside from giving ang pows to over a hundred of the kids from the orphanage that MOH & I volunteer at, we were also finally granted permission to bring the kids out for a couple hours every week. I was elated, of course! It would mean so much for the kids to be able to experience at least some form of living - outside of the Home.

We had been volunteering for close to 2 years now at the orphanage. Hmmm.... to those who know me well, would find this side of me rather contradictary. I do not wish to have kids of my own. In fact, I am annoyed at parents who bring their kids to the pool and think it is sooo cute that they swim in the adult pool. I am annoyed at parents who cannot keep their kid quiet in an aeroplane or in a restaurant. And if friends wish to catch up with me - having a kid around isn't going to help with no catching, trust me on that one. I am so disapproving of kids being a nuisance that I had it printed in my wedding invitation : "Strictly No Children Under 12 Allowed".

But you see, these kids are different. They are first of all, HIV+ kids and mostly abandoned. Some do have parents but because the parents cannot afford the medication for the kids therefore they had been sent to the Home. These kids are so deprived of love and affection. I could tell - from the moment I first started at the orphanage - how they yearned to be hugged and carried all the time and they cling on to you any which way possible. It was overwhelming for me initially. I almost gave up - because I did not know if I really have all that much love to give!

A year on, I have grown to love these kids. I adore them and I miss them when I don't get to see them. When I do see them, the time seem to pass very quickly. Of course, I have my favourites, MOH has his favourites. The kids too, have their favourites. I'm sure some of the other kids who don't get much of me feels sidelined, but I try. I'll tell you one thing though - being able to put even the tiniest smile on their faces - makes you want to cry.

So when I had the opportunity to take them out for lunch, I was delighted. We took Peuv, Samnang and Yuth out to Sam Doo. It's not a fancy place. I don't think I can afford fancy every weekend and I certainly do not think fancy is what is required here to make the kids happy. We ordered Wanton Noodles, some dim sums and Fried Rice as well as Porridge for them to try. There was a point, as soon as they got into the car, I watched as Peuv smiled - her smile was so, so, so genuine and so sweet, it reflected her heart - it reflected how happy she was to be given this chance to be taken outside - I just teared. I had a blessed childhood. I used to think that my parents not allowing me my chocolates and my storybooks was abuse. Shame on me.

Anyway, they had a great time and they ate all the food on the table. They were also a handful, though and we were glad that one of the caretakers came along (which in all sense - they should have a caretaker follow ANYONE wishing to take the kids out. Who knows what other people might be up to, right?). Afterwards, we took them to Nagaworld as I knew there was the Lion Dance performance there. They were so in awe at the lion dance performances and they took in the sights and sounds. But they were also very well-behaved, I must say :)

Before you knew it, it was time to head back. I didn't know what were their thoughts. Were they sad to get back? Were they careful to be polite and smile instead of throwing a tantrum at having to return? Were they just grateful they had been given the opportunity?

For me, I just wanted to be able to give the kids a chance at normal childhood - even if just for a couple of hours. I had seen them with their meals and all year round, it is the exact same food everyday and every meal. I wish they had the childhood I had. I wish they had as blessed a life as I had.

I question though, what fair advantages do they have at growing up and making it on their own? They are not getting a proper education. As it is, the education system in Cambodia sucks. I had seen some of the kids' schoolwork - it is almost as if the teacher marks the homework blindly - a star for a page full of spelling errors? And unfortunately, kind as the caretakers are, most of them are not literate themselves. And it is one caretaker to about 40 kids! How will these kids even make it in life? What chances are there for them? And that is - IF they battle HIV itself. Sometimes, I feel very, very sad. I feel I am not making any difference in their lives. I feel powerless. I can only make them smile for awhile. But what about their future? What about in the long run?

Sometimes, I beat myself up thinking about them. I am always torn - wondering - do I really make a difference in their lives? You see, they are stuck to the Home. I am not. If I am not free, I don't go in. If I am out of the country, I don't go in. Worse of all, if I pack up and leave Cambodia - they too, will be left behind. (I think I just heard my heart break at this thought!). Sure, I donate food and rice and the occasional goodies. What's after?

I have a bigger dream now. I am going to work hard and smart and I am going to make lots of money and I will rescue these kids - one kid at a time.

I pray for these kids to always find love and happiness surrounding them and I pray that they grow up to be wonderful and inspiring people.

p/s : To those who think this experience might change my mind about Motherhood - you are unfortunately, VERY WRONG :P