Am I Making A Difference Or Not?

The Three Love Of My Life

Last weekend, aside from giving ang pows to over a hundred of the kids from the orphanage that MOH & I volunteer at, we were also finally granted permission to bring the kids out for a couple hours every week. I was elated, of course! It would mean so much for the kids to be able to experience at least some form of living - outside of the Home.

We had been volunteering for close to 2 years now at the orphanage. Hmmm.... to those who know me well, would find this side of me rather contradictary. I do not wish to have kids of my own. In fact, I am annoyed at parents who bring their kids to the pool and think it is sooo cute that they swim in the adult pool. I am annoyed at parents who cannot keep their kid quiet in an aeroplane or in a restaurant. And if friends wish to catch up with me - having a kid around isn't going to help with no catching, trust me on that one. I am so disapproving of kids being a nuisance that I had it printed in my wedding invitation : "Strictly No Children Under 12 Allowed".

But you see, these kids are different. They are first of all, HIV+ kids and mostly abandoned. Some do have parents but because the parents cannot afford the medication for the kids therefore they had been sent to the Home. These kids are so deprived of love and affection. I could tell - from the moment I first started at the orphanage - how they yearned to be hugged and carried all the time and they cling on to you any which way possible. It was overwhelming for me initially. I almost gave up - because I did not know if I really have all that much love to give!

A year on, I have grown to love these kids. I adore them and I miss them when I don't get to see them. When I do see them, the time seem to pass very quickly. Of course, I have my favourites, MOH has his favourites. The kids too, have their favourites. I'm sure some of the other kids who don't get much of me feels sidelined, but I try. I'll tell you one thing though - being able to put even the tiniest smile on their faces - makes you want to cry.

So when I had the opportunity to take them out for lunch, I was delighted. We took Peuv, Samnang and Yuth out to Sam Doo. It's not a fancy place. I don't think I can afford fancy every weekend and I certainly do not think fancy is what is required here to make the kids happy. We ordered Wanton Noodles, some dim sums and Fried Rice as well as Porridge for them to try. There was a point, as soon as they got into the car, I watched as Peuv smiled - her smile was so, so, so genuine and so sweet, it reflected her heart - it reflected how happy she was to be given this chance to be taken outside - I just teared. I had a blessed childhood. I used to think that my parents not allowing me my chocolates and my storybooks was abuse. Shame on me.

Anyway, they had a great time and they ate all the food on the table. They were also a handful, though and we were glad that one of the caretakers came along (which in all sense - they should have a caretaker follow ANYONE wishing to take the kids out. Who knows what other people might be up to, right?). Afterwards, we took them to Nagaworld as I knew there was the Lion Dance performance there. They were so in awe at the lion dance performances and they took in the sights and sounds. But they were also very well-behaved, I must say :)

Before you knew it, it was time to head back. I didn't know what were their thoughts. Were they sad to get back? Were they careful to be polite and smile instead of throwing a tantrum at having to return? Were they just grateful they had been given the opportunity?

For me, I just wanted to be able to give the kids a chance at normal childhood - even if just for a couple of hours. I had seen them with their meals and all year round, it is the exact same food everyday and every meal. I wish they had the childhood I had. I wish they had as blessed a life as I had.

I question though, what fair advantages do they have at growing up and making it on their own? They are not getting a proper education. As it is, the education system in Cambodia sucks. I had seen some of the kids' schoolwork - it is almost as if the teacher marks the homework blindly - a star for a page full of spelling errors? And unfortunately, kind as the caretakers are, most of them are not literate themselves. And it is one caretaker to about 40 kids! How will these kids even make it in life? What chances are there for them? And that is - IF they battle HIV itself. Sometimes, I feel very, very sad. I feel I am not making any difference in their lives. I feel powerless. I can only make them smile for awhile. But what about their future? What about in the long run?

Sometimes, I beat myself up thinking about them. I am always torn - wondering - do I really make a difference in their lives? You see, they are stuck to the Home. I am not. If I am not free, I don't go in. If I am out of the country, I don't go in. Worse of all, if I pack up and leave Cambodia - they too, will be left behind. (I think I just heard my heart break at this thought!). Sure, I donate food and rice and the occasional goodies. What's after?


I have a bigger dream now. I am going to work hard and smart and I am going to make lots of money and I will rescue these kids - one kid at a time.

I pray for these kids to always find love and happiness surrounding them and I pray that they grow up to be wonderful and inspiring people.

p/s : To those who think this experience might change my mind about Motherhood - you are unfortunately, VERY WRONG :P 

Yuth chowing down his Fish Porridge...

Peuv laughing gleefully

Samnang 'manja-ing' with MOH



Samnang, Yuth and Peuv at Nagaworld Park



Counting Down 338 days to CNY 2012



Can you see my Prawns??? :)

 In a flash of a flash, CNY 2011 is over. Unfortunately for me, this year, seemed a lot shorter than usual because my trip home to KL was short. Nevertheless, I am thankful for yet another awesome CNY celebration with my family back in the kampung. And it was also rather fabulous for me this year in Cambodia too - celebrating with the kids at the orphanage.

CNY is a big thing for my family - seeing as we don't celebrate Christmas - at all. It always start off with the escalating spring cleaning and the buying of new attire - top, bottom, inside, outside, right down to slippers and shoes. Over the years, I had learnt to 'stock up' on new clothings - something MOH finds extremely bizarre. He would buy a new top for me and I'd say "Great! I'll keep this for CNY." I think I might have successfully stocked up on new clothes for the next twenty CNYs! Each year, there is always only new clothes needed for the 1st Day and the 2nd Day. Ok. Ok. I'll admit - I am a hoarder! There's also this thing in my family with new slippers every year and new towels too! Needless to say - I have a collection of these too!

When I was going through my teenage rebellion streak - I always smirked ridiculously at this superstitious ritual. In fact, I ridiculed all the superstitions in the house (no sweeping, no reading books, no washing hair, no uttering the word "die", no cursing, no sewing, etc.. etc..). I claimed myself to be the "modernized and westernized Gen X" and hell, I'll wear black on the 1st day of CNY if I want to! The year I was in Australia, the ONE and ONLY year I celebrated CNY far away from family, I cried and cried. Finally, I understood what it all meant. It meant me, being Chinese. It meant me, having a family. It meant me, understanding my own roots, tradition and culture.

CNY is the one time the entire clan get-together in the family home (an old, battered kampung house) and we all reunite to catch up and poke fun at one another. We set aside our differences and live with each other harmoniously for a few days. There'll be a lot of laughing and joking and of course, wit and sarcasm as well which are all taken well. I wouldn't vouch for the harmony to last beyond 2 weeks though! You know how every family has their own dramas :P

I think it being a Chinese village and all, the CNY atmosphere and ambience seem to be oozing in the air. Every household is busy and buzzing with families coming home too. Cars with outstation plates would be parked on any empty space available. And of course, when 12.00 midnight strikes, the entire village sounds like a battle zone - giant fireworks and firecrackers!!! You see - you don't get this much in KL, let alone in tiny uni-town, Bathurst, Australia!! THIS is what CNY should be like - not the shopping malls and the sales - but really, the ching-chong-ching-chong CNY music, the loud lion dance drumming, the smuggled and illegal firecrackers that are 3-storeys tall, the shameless receiving of ang pows (of course, I no longer pocket that much, but I still do!! And I'll shamelessley receive it in glee) and of course - who can forget the FOOD?

The other thing about why I love going back to my kampung is the fact that Tanjung Tualang is also endearingly known as the Pekan Udang Galah - and I am a big fat lover of these freshwater prawns (in fact, all seafood, except fish!!). Because I have my Uncles all twirled around my fingertips (yes, despite being married and all, I'm still the favourite :P), I'd always place an order of the prawns because if you don't place orders at the market, you might not get any since everyone wants some of those prawns! I make my orders - to make sure we have them for the reunion dinner and for the Hoi Nien lunch and dinner. I'd place an order with my Sam Suk. And then, as a back-up, I'd place an order with my Yee Suk too! Yee Suk would usually bring these fabulous seafood back from Sabah and one box of prawns would have my name written on it. YET, I crave for the Tanjung Tualang prawns, and as such - I make my demands! :) And I do get them! Every year, they would still fall for the same trick - I would order with Sam Suk, and with Yee Suk, and they'd both come back with the prawns and be surprised that they BOTH bought them - which means, I have extra. Hahahahaha! But yet, they still do it for me every year. What gives? Me :)

Of course, not to mention Ah Por cooks up a storm too. Well, back in the day at least when she was less fragile, back in the day where cholesterol wasn't a problem with anyone, back in the day where people weren't watching their diets. These days, we have some who doesn't want to eat too much meat, some who doesn't eat white rice, some who cannot take too much high-cholesterol food, etc. The dishes for CNY now are much simpler and healthier. But always - the Steamed White Chicken - which is another must on the table (besides my Steamed Prawns). The chicken is to cater to my Dad :) Back in the day too, my brother and I would get the drumstick - one each. But it's not so much fun "booking" your drumstick as adults. "I put my saliva on this one. This is mine!" You know, that sort of thing :P

And then, sure as hell as the big feasting for main meals, there are also a myriad of CNY goodies and snacks spread out in the living room area for munching. Ohhhh..... these are my favourites. Sometimes, I'd just have my prawns for dinner and save room for all these junk food! The arrowroot chips, pistachios, crabstick chips, cookies - like a dozen different types, dried meat - and occassionally, if I do ask my Ah Por, she would steam Nin Gao for me as well - eaten with coconut shavings. Ooh La La! Yummy, yummy. Diets and all, promptly forgotten at the sight of these little containers with the red covers :)

Ultimately for me, it is spending time with my Ah Por (back in the day too, also spending time with my Ah Kung). I am very close to her since young and would help her do all the prayers in the house, from the CNY eve prayers right to the Hoi Nien prayers. She is a very staunch Taoist. I'm not sure my faith is as strong as hers, but I think these are all just a part of our Chinese culture and if you do really look it up in history, you'd learn about it. I'll get to it someday, I guess. Anyway, yes, so for me - it is about spending time with Ah Por and catching up with her and eating her cooking and getting some "manja-me" time from her. Each year, I can tell she is getting more and more frail. I pray she lives a long, long, long and prosperous life.

Selfishly, it is because I do not wish anything to change for my CNY celebrations. I wish that every year, it would be the same - family reunion with great food in the tiny, kampung house (which I plan to renovate one day to make it... more comfy) and listening to stories from Ah Por and all my aunties and uncles. I know that deep down, the rest of my family does not feel the same way as me with the traveling back to the kampung. It is currently, a yearly ritual for all to ensure Ah Por is happy. In a way, I am thankful that they know how to think of it that way. I am happy that Ah Por is happy to see everyone back home for the CNY. She is as Chinese as Chinese New Year itself.

I am also thankful that MOH lets me come back home to my side of the family for the CNY celebrations. I can tell you that I wouldn't have it any other way (and yes, this was negotiated before I agreed to get married!). Well, he told me CNY wasn't celebrated in a big way with his side of the family, so we're ok. In fact, one year before we got married, my Mother-In-Law came to celebrate CNY with my family - without my Father-In-Law. The one year my Mom did not come home for CNY with us, the entire village thought my parents had divorced!

Well, the feasting has ended (at least the gluttony part of it), the trips have been made, but my family remains in my heart - always.

Here's counting down to January 23rd, 2012 - to yet another year of abundance in wealth, prosperity and joy. Happy CNY in advance to all!