2011 : Eating, Praying & Loving

What d'ya know? 2010 is drawing to a close. The year had been a mixed bag for me. In fact, I think 10 out of the 12 months were rather down in the dumps, right from the first day itself (waking up with a hangover - not a good way to start the new year!).

The year was good, with me shaping up and getting back to my race-fit physique and I eventually went for my first tri after a 3-yr hiatus in Hoi An, Vietnam. I did not bad, considering. It wasn't my personal best time, but that only means I can keep improving (fingers crossed!). The year was good too with a really awesome trip to Bali - for Leticia & Tjun Hong's wedding as well as my own little honeymoon with MOH, venturing back into the realms of wedding bliss at Kayumanis Nusa Dua and retracing our entire wedding journey a year ago :)

Other than that, I've taken a huge beating this year - got screwed over by a partner, got sandwiched by yet other partners (and I don't mean in bed - which would've been welcomed), got screwed over too - by a friend because he sold his integrity to the devil, saddened because there are now some people's faces in my wedding album which I wish to delete, got robbed, got indoor waterfalls going on in the apartment here in PP, ....... the list could go on. Basically - nothing was going 'smooth' and mentally and emotionally, I was deflated. I was angry and frustrated. In the face of the adversities, I had to put up a strong front to face the world. I had to continue motivating others to carry on, to be 'zen-like' for others who needed my emotional support or mental support or whatever support. Most people who had to deal with me may not know I am on the verge of a mental & emotional collapse - except perhaps thinking (and bitching about :P) that I was perpetually having my PMS daily. This led to more anger, more frustration and it was such a continuous vicious cycle! Everything was a big "WTF?!" and going through this continually almost without a break for the year wasn't my idea of a "good year". With the state of mental and emotional health I had, I thought going for the Bali honeymoon and coming back to reality was going to be the end of me!

It got to a point where I was actually seeking divine intervention and I asked Ah Por to pray for me. I asked my Mom to pray for me. I even asked Aunty Debra to pray for me. Things were still bleak and it was just a matter of getting my work done for the day and calling it a day. It got to a point where my head did me in and I wanted to run away. Particularly after watching "Eat, Pray, Love" - the movie. One day, in my frustration, I asked my Mom to 'up the ante' with the prayers for me. She said this to me in return, "Why don't you start praying yourself? Asking people to pray for you - that is insincere." Hmmm.... I had lost faith in prayers the day my Kung Kung passed away. I do pray during festive occasions - but that is more to keep to rituals and traditions which my Ah Por pratices. I didn't particularly want to start praying because I thought it would confirm how despairing my situation was. But I did think long and hard about what my Mom said - especially the sincerity part.

And so, I started praying. I prayed the best way I knew how - I wrote. It was my own conversation with the 'powers that be'. When I did pray for the first time, I felt compelled to start off with an apology. You know, for not having done this in a long time. And I felt compelled to be 'polite' and thanked the 'powers that be' for my life. This was a shocker. Having a "conversation" with, you know, the 'powers that be' out there can be quite a humbling experience. Why? Because it made me realize that - as I complained and complained about things not going my way, I had forgotten about ALL the things that WERE going my way. Because I had felt compelled to be polite and give my thanks in my 1st prayers, I've come to realize - Oh my f***ing God. I have been a bloody lucky bitch after all! Suddenly, what I was complaining about didn't make much sense! I can't believe how calm I felt for the rest of the day actually. It's been exactly 30 days now and I haven't missed a single day :)

Around the same time when I started praying, I started reading this book Kris lent me - it's called "The Secret". Now, I got the book way back in October and brought it back with me to PP but just couldn't be bothered reading it, thinking I'll just return it unread to Kris in my next trip back. One night, I opened my bookshelf with the intention of choosing a book to read and guess what? That book, with its hard cover and all fell out just like that! Well, it fell on top of my toe and it was effin' painful! Instead of hurling the book out of the balcony (because it wasn't my book!), I just said "Fine. I'll read this then!"

I have to say, reading the book couldn't have come at more apt a timing (talk about the book looking for me yes? Falling onto my toe like that!). The realizations of the concepts of the "law of attraction" was greatly in tune with what I had been going through the last year. The vicious cycle of things just going bad to worse and worst, nothing going smoothly, etc..... was too much of a spot-on for me. I understand the basic underlying concept of the law of attraction - positive-thinking and a positive attitude! I've been so engrossed with the bad things going on in my life that everything was depressing and I couldn't see things any other way! I've lost some of myself in the whole year! I've always been a "glass-half-full" person. In the last 10 months or so, I had been "glass-f***ing-empty" instead. And you know what? All it took was to change my "frequency". Tune myself into the positive channel - as in for real. None of those "trying to be strong / trying to motivate others" type of "false positive". The prayers had calmed me and made me find some peace. Reading this book had slapped me into coming out of my blady empty glass.

And before I knew it - things ARE going smoothly. Just because TSO cannot make it to the February fair, does not mean "glass empty"! It meant that I had an opportunity to get in touch with other people. Like CO for example, who might be joining us instead. I cannot explain to you how amazing it had felt for me, in the last few weeks. I'm no longer looking at a door closing as someone slamming the door in my face. I'm looking at it as another door opening in its place. Even if not a door, a window. I can still climb through that  - I'm agile :)

"Eat, Pray, Love" found a new meaning in my life. It is not about running away. Sheesh.
 So for 2011, I will continue Eating, Praying and Loving.

I will continue "Eating" - fueling my body for the next race in Bali (which JFT is sponsoring!) with healthy food AND my favourite junk food on my 'bad eat days', feeding my brains with positive thoughts and ideas and execution plans as well as exit strategies, enriching my soul with kindness and compassion. I think I am still very much a work-in-progress and can definitely do better by being more patient, less anal (although, as Kris Wong says - these actually work for us, not against us in the line of duty - and emails should still be replied within 48hrs :P). Don't get me wrong - I'm not turning into an angel overnight :P I am still allowed to be a bitch when I want to and when I need to - don't screw with me, I'll bark and I'll bite but I'll take the high-road and walk away because you are obviously not on the same frequency as I am.... and I will still be cursing at the moron on the road who is endangering my life :P Not to mention, I AM still going to have my PMS-days :P

I will continue "Praying" - praying for my family and loved ones, praying for my friends and praying for world peace. I am hopeful one day, the world WILL be at peace with no war, hunger and poverty. Also giving thanks - I will never, ever again forget to give thanks for my life. Even just as simple as being alive with a near-perfect body (not perfect because nobody is) - I can see and read, listen and hear, think and feel. The one thing I am truly, truly grateful for is the love that I am enveloped in so deeply - from my family, my husband, my friends (to KM and MK, I'm so glad to know that if I ever, ever were to really run away, you have both offered me your abode as my refuge). Life's a bitch sometimes, but love keeps you going.

And finally, I will continue "Loving" - loving the life that I choose to live, loving myself, loving my family to bits, loving my husband till no end - and continue striving to be a good wife (however, the sofa will still be comfy for him if he annoys me) and doing so lovingly, from my heart and not as a chore - although I honestly dislike the household chores (if I be less anal, maybe someone else can do it!! :P) and will strive not to burn the ironing board or re-colour the laundry again :P (Some may say - hahaha! Finally, this day has dawned upon Eileen Lui - especially my Mom) I will continue loving the kids at the orphanage which I have come to adore so dearly - they are in my prayers too.

To this end, despite 2010 being a year I rate at the bottom-most rank of my 'had-this-been-a-good-year-chart', I am happy and thankful that I am ending the year with so much love surrounding me. Life is good. I will indulge ever so often in that.

And you betcha ass - 2011 will be an absolute blast. Believe me ;) So have a swell one and HAPPY NEW YEAR to all!

"All That We Are Is A Result Of What We Have Thought" - Buddha