Reflections

Taking an inspiration from my partner-in-crime Kris' blog, I'm taking some time to piece together a whole lot of thoughts going on up there in my grey matters.

I reflect every week - on the week that was... maybe that's why I hadn't been able to see a clearer, bigger picture ahead. But for the past 4 months or so, I had a very clear picture that keeps coming back to haunt me. It is telling me to stop procastinating and do what I had always wanted to do in life - save the world.

Since I was a child, I've always had compassion for the people who are less fortunate than I. Perhaps, it was my upbringing, I'm not sure. Even as a child, when I visited the old folk's homes or orphanages with my parents, I would cry just to see the pitiful state they lived in.

From then on, I had this dream - I want to open a centre, I want to rescue as many unfortunate people as I possibly can. And I always thought - to do that, I need money. Lots of it. So therefore, I worked hard. I worked hard and subsequently, I started my own business. Suddenly, this dream took a backseat. For you see, in life, as we grow, we realise we need money for a lot of things - sometimes, just to survive, sometimes to splurge on ourselves (for me, my sin is books, books, books), sometimes, to splurge on the people we love because they so deserve it, the list goes on.

I admit, whilst over the years, I had always had the same thought (saving the world!!) torment me over and over again, I had always managed to convince myself that the world is too big for me to save. I am a tiny, mediocre woman, who can't do anything to end world poverty. Nor can I do anything to stop the unnecessary wars that are happening everywhere around the world. As such, I lived my life... believing I am convinced.

The thought of doing humanitarian work really does come back out to the foreground a lot. But always pushed back - there is always something more important to do - I have a business to run, I have got deadlines to meet, I have got partners and shareholders I am accountable for, I have a family to take care of (by that, I mean my parents, grandma and whoever else in the family who might need my help) again, the list goes on.

Of course, in between that, I tried to do my bit for charity. When I was a Ranger in school - I remembered being part of the stand-by team for the Highland Towers emergency, I remembered donating my entire month's salary to the North Korean famine, I am a volunteer with Mercy Malaysia, I published a whole set of poems and sold them to raise funds for Mercy once (and never thought to at least save one set for my own collection!!), when the 2004 tsunami happened, I volunteered to go to the disaster areas with Mercy only to be rejected because I would be more of a cry-baby burden than I would be of help when faced with the disaster simply because I wasn't trained to face them..... I try to feed homeless people on the street (of course, living in Cambodia, I lost a lot of compassion for the people on the street - but this is another story!), I volunteer my time at an orphanage for children with HIV and surprised myself with the way I deal with them and see them, I train some of the less fortunate youth in Cambodia to empower them to do something better with their lives and I create job opportunities for them..... this list goes on too.

When the legendary King of Pop passed on, I was re-inspired to follow in his footsteps. I took one tiny step forward and was once again, overwhelmed by the sheer size of the unfamiliarity and shamefully - loss of income, I took ten steps back. I argued with myself (you know, the devil and angel in your head arguments)... that the King of Pop was a millionaire. The King of Pop had a legion of fans who would heed his words. I was.... nothing. I told myself, I couldn't do it.

And so, I went back to the mundane life of chasing after clients, who by the minute of every f***ing day, was frustrating me with their neanderthal attributes. Chasing after clients who were only concerned on making sales with an extremely shrunken budget. Don't get me wrong. I still do love my job and I enjoy the challenges it poses. Except that, lately, I feel less than a "nothing" doing it. I feel like a big loser. Why?

I reflected and realized that I had chickened-out facing bigger issues and taking on something unfamiliar. No wonder I felt like a "nothing". A small one at that!!

Then, I started on The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I had bought the book a year ago, but only got around to reading it last month. To those familiar with the book - imagine my excitement! I had been one of those people who kept ignoring the "omens" and thus, led a mundane life of doing something (the only thing I thought) that I can do, that I can say I at least enjoy doing... but it gave me no greater pleasure than that. All of a sudden, everything began to make sense. The author had said we should heed the omens and search for our destiny. I realised I had ignored my omens for far too long.

And then, the author said when one decides to seek for his or her destiny, everything in the universe will conspire to help you find it. I reflected back at all the omens, right up to the current one - of stumbling upon Slumlight, and using my business platform to help them, of meeting the lady behind Slumlight and being inspired by her story (though, she reminds me rather uncannily of the character Phoebe from "Friends"), and not to mention, being re-acquainted with Relief Web after a long, long hiatus. Thinking that dreams do come true, I even submitted my "under-qualified" CV to a reputable NGO in hope that I would be hired for a position they have vacant. My fingers and toes are crossed. But we'll cross the bridge when we get there.

I believe, 2009, whilst it had been a rather tough year, career-wise, my many reflections had helped me see me for who I am and where I want to be. I am of course thankful for the powers up there (I am sorry for all the "Why Me?!" complains) for letting me lead such a colourful life thus far. And of course - my parents, my friends, and my partners-in-crime (partners - you know who you are - you guys have been a steady block for me and it gave me the strength to continue battling it out everyday), who had been nothing but supportive throughout. Most of all, to MOH - who had relentlessly encouraged me and gave me the wings to fly (if I gave up everything - he had promised to continue feeding me, sheltering me and buying me my books)

I am re-inspired once again. But this time, I intend to keep walking and trudging ahead with my tiny steps, no matter how far this journey will be. I now welcome 2010 with great pleasure. Happy New Year to all :)