Reflections

Taking an inspiration from my partner-in-crime Kris' blog, I'm taking some time to piece together a whole lot of thoughts going on up there in my grey matters.

I reflect every week - on the week that was... maybe that's why I hadn't been able to see a clearer, bigger picture ahead. But for the past 4 months or so, I had a very clear picture that keeps coming back to haunt me. It is telling me to stop procastinating and do what I had always wanted to do in life - save the world.

Since I was a child, I've always had compassion for the people who are less fortunate than I. Perhaps, it was my upbringing, I'm not sure. Even as a child, when I visited the old folk's homes or orphanages with my parents, I would cry just to see the pitiful state they lived in.

From then on, I had this dream - I want to open a centre, I want to rescue as many unfortunate people as I possibly can. And I always thought - to do that, I need money. Lots of it. So therefore, I worked hard. I worked hard and subsequently, I started my own business. Suddenly, this dream took a backseat. For you see, in life, as we grow, we realise we need money for a lot of things - sometimes, just to survive, sometimes to splurge on ourselves (for me, my sin is books, books, books), sometimes, to splurge on the people we love because they so deserve it, the list goes on.

I admit, whilst over the years, I had always had the same thought (saving the world!!) torment me over and over again, I had always managed to convince myself that the world is too big for me to save. I am a tiny, mediocre woman, who can't do anything to end world poverty. Nor can I do anything to stop the unnecessary wars that are happening everywhere around the world. As such, I lived my life... believing I am convinced.

The thought of doing humanitarian work really does come back out to the foreground a lot. But always pushed back - there is always something more important to do - I have a business to run, I have got deadlines to meet, I have got partners and shareholders I am accountable for, I have a family to take care of (by that, I mean my parents, grandma and whoever else in the family who might need my help) again, the list goes on.

Of course, in between that, I tried to do my bit for charity. When I was a Ranger in school - I remembered being part of the stand-by team for the Highland Towers emergency, I remembered donating my entire month's salary to the North Korean famine, I am a volunteer with Mercy Malaysia, I published a whole set of poems and sold them to raise funds for Mercy once (and never thought to at least save one set for my own collection!!), when the 2004 tsunami happened, I volunteered to go to the disaster areas with Mercy only to be rejected because I would be more of a cry-baby burden than I would be of help when faced with the disaster simply because I wasn't trained to face them..... I try to feed homeless people on the street (of course, living in Cambodia, I lost a lot of compassion for the people on the street - but this is another story!), I volunteer my time at an orphanage for children with HIV and surprised myself with the way I deal with them and see them, I train some of the less fortunate youth in Cambodia to empower them to do something better with their lives and I create job opportunities for them..... this list goes on too.

When the legendary King of Pop passed on, I was re-inspired to follow in his footsteps. I took one tiny step forward and was once again, overwhelmed by the sheer size of the unfamiliarity and shamefully - loss of income, I took ten steps back. I argued with myself (you know, the devil and angel in your head arguments)... that the King of Pop was a millionaire. The King of Pop had a legion of fans who would heed his words. I was.... nothing. I told myself, I couldn't do it.

And so, I went back to the mundane life of chasing after clients, who by the minute of every f***ing day, was frustrating me with their neanderthal attributes. Chasing after clients who were only concerned on making sales with an extremely shrunken budget. Don't get me wrong. I still do love my job and I enjoy the challenges it poses. Except that, lately, I feel less than a "nothing" doing it. I feel like a big loser. Why?

I reflected and realized that I had chickened-out facing bigger issues and taking on something unfamiliar. No wonder I felt like a "nothing". A small one at that!!

Then, I started on The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I had bought the book a year ago, but only got around to reading it last month. To those familiar with the book - imagine my excitement! I had been one of those people who kept ignoring the "omens" and thus, led a mundane life of doing something (the only thing I thought) that I can do, that I can say I at least enjoy doing... but it gave me no greater pleasure than that. All of a sudden, everything began to make sense. The author had said we should heed the omens and search for our destiny. I realised I had ignored my omens for far too long.

And then, the author said when one decides to seek for his or her destiny, everything in the universe will conspire to help you find it. I reflected back at all the omens, right up to the current one - of stumbling upon Slumlight, and using my business platform to help them, of meeting the lady behind Slumlight and being inspired by her story (though, she reminds me rather uncannily of the character Phoebe from "Friends"), and not to mention, being re-acquainted with Relief Web after a long, long hiatus. Thinking that dreams do come true, I even submitted my "under-qualified" CV to a reputable NGO in hope that I would be hired for a position they have vacant. My fingers and toes are crossed. But we'll cross the bridge when we get there.

I believe, 2009, whilst it had been a rather tough year, career-wise, my many reflections had helped me see me for who I am and where I want to be. I am of course thankful for the powers up there (I am sorry for all the "Why Me?!" complains) for letting me lead such a colourful life thus far. And of course - my parents, my friends, and my partners-in-crime (partners - you know who you are - you guys have been a steady block for me and it gave me the strength to continue battling it out everyday), who had been nothing but supportive throughout. Most of all, to MOH - who had relentlessly encouraged me and gave me the wings to fly (if I gave up everything - he had promised to continue feeding me, sheltering me and buying me my books)

I am re-inspired once again. But this time, I intend to keep walking and trudging ahead with my tiny steps, no matter how far this journey will be. I now welcome 2010 with great pleasure. Happy New Year to all :)

Rwanda and Malaysia - In response to Asrul Hadi's Article

I watched Hotel Rwanda for the second time last weekend and for some reason, am more greatly disturbed this time around than I was when I watched it the first time. Before you continue reading my humble post, I’d like to state clearly that I am not an avid follower of politics nor do I spend hours on end analyzing politics and politicians with their theories and concepts. I am just another normal (if my other eccentricities can be considered normal!) human being who, I’m sure like half of the people populating this earth, feels strongly regarding injustices that happen everywhere.

Watching Hotel Rwanda – and subsequently, reading up on the history of that genocide (*The USA had actually banned its officials from using the term. Finally, Secretary of State Warren Christopher grumpily conceded “If there's any particular magic in calling it genocide, I've no hesitancy in saying that.”) I found two things rather disturbing :

One – how the powers of the West have often toyed around with the “lesser civilization” and used it as their playground as according to their whims and fancy. Oh, I stand corrected – not according to their whims and fancy. Only according to the benefits they stand to gain from exploiting these so-called “lesser nations”. In Rwanda, there are the majority tribe who are known as the Hutus and then there are the minority tribe known as the Tutsis. IN A NUTSHELL (I say this because there are more to it then what I have summed up here), when Belgium colonized the country, they put the Tutsis in power – for their better looks and “aristocratic appearance”. Some Tutsis took this role to the extremes and of course, left the Hutus feeling like they were merely poor peasants squatting on Tutsi land (*It was the practice of colonial administrators to select a group to be privileged and educated 'intermediaries' between governor and governed - does this sound familiar to the British's strategy of divide and conquer in Malaysia?). Of course, when the Belgians left, they returned power to the Hutus. They must’ve been patting themselves on the backs for such a smart move! Ostracized for years, the Hutus now finally get their revenge, being back in power. What happened next, following a spate of events, was a systematically violent “ethnic cleansing” exercise. In a short span of time, 800,000 Tutsis were massacred in Rwanda, 1994.

The second thing that disturbed me terribly was how was it that people can be so “moved” to disregard life? So idiotically brainwashed to the point that they actually believed they were doing a good deed by getting rid of another race or religion? I just plain do not understand nor do I comprehend this. The thinking and behaviour that follows just does not seem human. We argue, at this point that, the genocides or “ethnic cleansing” or “tribal violence” (as some of the Western powers who shamefully did nothing to intervene calls it – merely "tribal violence") happen because there are a large population who are poor and uneducated.

Poor and uneducated? This brings me to the main point of my blogpost – a sort of response to Asrul Hadi Abdullah Sani’s article in the Malaysian Insider, entitled ‘BTN taught me the Chinese are the Jews of Asia’. I read the article, and if it were true, every word that was said in that article, I am deeply appalled. Not just appalled, I am shocked and horrified.

Imagine the timing of reading this article – just after I am recovering from my Rwandan tales.... I find it really .... unacceptable. What is it about human nature that drives us to act as such? What is it about certain quarters of people who like to spew the words “ketuanan” and use it to instil a sense of false pride / patriotism?

When I read the article, I couldn’t help feeling that it was almost like what the Hutu extremist were doing – instilling hate, telling themselves they must “fight for what belongs to them”... or it would forever perish into the hands of the “enemies”. Of course, Rwanda is only but an example. We have the Holocaust, the Bosnia ethnic cleansing, the Year Zero in Cambodia and the list goes on – all, seemingly for one reason and only one reason that I can see – greed. Correct me if I am wrong, of course.

While I am writing this, I hope that the people who had to attend such a “camp” from the BTN would be educated enough and humane enough to know that it is rubbish they speak of. Intelligent enough to hear greed spewing out of every orifice of their bodies when they give their “ketuanan” lecture.

You know, at the very least, even if we were an uneducated bunch of peasants – we expect our leaders to lead properly, correctly and most importantly, humanely. We do not expect our leaders to instil in us, hate or feelings of hatreds, disrespect and disregard for that of another person, race or religion. That is just outright WRONG. Do you not agree?

I am just about sick to my eyeballs, reading about all these hatred, war, insecurity, false sense of pride (what pride do you have when you’re bloody pissing in public and sleeping on the streets?) or so-called patriotism, of people accusing the other race or religion of trying to take over, or "snatch our wealth" or "trample all over our pride, culture and  tradition", of all the injustices or simply, the drama of some politicians kissing a traditional weapon – NOT just in the country where I was born, but all around the world.

Whilst there is almost nothing in my power that I can do right now for the other countries in a state of war, poverty and government impunity, however, there must be perhaps something that I can do about this shameless country of mine? Correction – the country isn’t shameless. Its leaders are.

I don’t care whether you are the incumbent or the opposition, I suggest you clean up your act and get it together. As a famous sentence from another fellow blogger comes to mind – otherwise, it is Dulu, Kini dan Sampai Sini Sahaja.

*Source : Peace Pledge Union Information