Raging A Mental War

And so, here it was - the A Famosa Triathlon - the first tri for the year. I did it last year, and back for my second year. Why do I still feel the butterflies in my tummy? I've been training better and .... oh. Not stopped smoking yet.
There's a real charge in putting your mind and body through the physical extremities. But I question, really.... if such physically punishing races are more for mental endurance rather than physical?
When you're spending 3 hours or more doing a race, an individual event.... your mind is spending the same amount of time in solitary mode. The mind is at the end of the day - a powerful tool. A weapon. It could destroy you or it could make you. So what would it be?

"oh my God... just look at some of the people doing the race! Shit. Shit. Shit."
"I'm not scared. I'm nervous. That's all. It's normal."
"I think I better eat my Power Bar now."
"Ooh... look at that V-shape Body. Yummy. Haha. There's a reason why I do these races!"
"oh no. oh no. They've asked people to go to the start line."
"That's a fucking long way to swim. Is that really 1.5k???!"
"I remember this water. It is FOUL. It stinks. It smells. It made me ill last year."
"Ok.. the water is not cold. Ok, look, I can do this. I do this everyday."
(at this point, the "bang" for start has gone off)
"Holy fuck! Stop kicking, dammit!"
"There's no way I can do freestyle here. I'll get my face kicked in."
"OWWW! God damn it. Who kicked me?! Who?! Who?!"
"Overtaking .... we need to stick to the buoy lines."
"Ok, i'm here. Ok. Take it easy, babe. Your heart rate is going crazy."
"Whatever you do, don't swallow the water."
"Let's freestyle for 20 strokes and check things out."
"See? Not so bad. Last year, I didn't freestyle that much!."
"Who the fuck just groped my boobs?! I'm gonna smack him."
"Ha! I just smacked his head. Overtake! Overtake!"
"How far more.... dammit. This is horrible. And it's only the start."
"Maybe I should get a cramp. Then I can get out of the water."
"Ya, and get a DNF on my result slip. What a loser."
"It's not that bad. Oh YESS! I completed the first loop!"
"We'll go faster. C'mon!"
"Oh man... I need to pee... "
"I pity the idiot who is stuck behind me."
"I wonder if he felt the sudden warm rush of water...."
"Fuck me dead. Where's the finish line?"
"It's awesome. Here we are! Here we are!"
"Let's go for it!"
(out of the water and running to the transition area)

"I'm gonna throw up. I really am going to throw up."
"Oh god, that damn Power Bar."
"Ok, calm down. Calm down. Breathe."
"Take your time. Look! There are still lots of bikes here. So no worries."
"Fuck, my bike pants are stuck. Dammit!"
"Damn socks are stuck too! What's going on?!"
"Ok, let's go!"
(on bike and away for 40ks)

"This is ok. This is ok. I'm doubtful about making Top 8th."
"I'm doubtful of making Top 10th."
"I hate the hills. Maybe I should just turn back."
"You're not turning back, you moron."
"Today's Mother's Day."
"I better remember to call my Mom after the race."
"What if I forget?!"
"Overtake. Overtake."
"What are the drafting rules again?"
"Look at that little boy go! I can't lose out to a kid!"
"Hey kid! You cycle pretty damn fast!" (verbal greeting)
"Yes! We overtook him!"
"I'm strongest at the hills."
"I wonder why."
"I overtake all these people on the hills and they overtake me on the straight roads!"
"Dammit."
"My legs are going to give way."
"I forgot what Randy told me about the gears again."
"Shit. Ok, black ones for downhill. Silver ones for uphill."
"I want to pack my bike to Cambodia."
"I wonder if I would be able to find a riding group in Cambodia."
"I should google that tomorrow."
"They've got the hash house harriers there."
"Well, I could at least run."
"I think for July when I am there, I shall sign-up with Fitness One."
"But I think Clark Hatch seemed more well-equipped."
"Although the pool does suck there."
"The pool at Fitness One is better."
"Well, at least I am familiar with that pool."
"I can't believe all the staff from way back are still at Micasa hotel in Cambodia."
"Well, ok. It's no longer Micasa."
"I can't do this! My legs are burning! My thighs are burning!"
"Hah. At least the traffic police is doing their job. Thank you."
"You know, actually, the marshalls and the water boys ought to be thanked properly."
"They are great help and encouragement."
"Ok, this scenery is quite nice. But my body is too tired to enjoy it."
"Funny, last year I felt better doing the race."
"It is age."
"Dammit."
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" (verbal scream)
"Oh my God! Oh My God! I just rolled over a live snake!"
"Cycle faster! Faster! We must run away from the snake!"
"What if it is chasing me?!"
"What if it is stuck on my wheels?"
"No, don't look. Don't look."
"Fuck. It is giving me the heeby-jeebies."
"It was a fucking live snake!"
"I feel something on my leg!"
"No, no.. it is nothing. Don't look. Focus."
"Focus Eileen. You wanna do Top 8th?"
"Yes, yes.. Top 8th."
"I can't. I can't do Top 8th."
"I don't think I can do Top 10."
"There are twenty over people in my category."
"Fat chance for Top 10."
"Fuck me dead. Is that like the hundredth hill already??"
"I need a Power Gel."
"Hah! Strapping the gel to the bike is such a brilliant idea!"
"I think these gel with caffein works instantly! I feel alive!!"
"People are U-turning back. Ok, yes... I remember there was a U-ey last year."
"Where is the fucking u-turn?"
"Is that another god damn hill?"
"I give up. Maybe I should just crash my bike and get the st johns to come get me."
"Focus Eileen. Top 10."
"That's a joke. that's very funny. Top 10, indeed."
"I hope I'm not last."
"Ok. Ok! Here's the U-Turn!"
"I can't be last. I overtook a lot of people. "
"How come I don't see any females?"
"Oh no.. I must be the last female on the bike!!"
"Ok... so let's aim to better your timing, is all."
"I did 3:20 last year. I just need to improve on that."
"To what? 3:15? hahahahhaa!"
"Look, let's leave 1 hour for the run."
"That means, I have another 26 minutes to finish my bike."
"How far more do we have?"
"I don't fucking know."
"Where am I?"
"I don't know."
"My neck is hurting, my shoulders are hurting."
"Remember to call Mom to wish her Happy Mother's Day."
"Look at these kids on the roadside, watching idiots like me suffering in full concentration."
"At long fucking last. We're turning into the resort road again!"
"How far more do we have?"
"Don't they fucking give us distant markers anymore?"
"I can't take it anymore!"
"Ohhh... God. Where is the finish?"
"Oh my God. Oh my God. This is that crazy hill. This is THAT hill."
"Keep pedaling. Don't stop or you'll roll off. Keep going."
"1-2. 1-2. 1-2. A bit more. 1-2. 1-2. 1-2."
"Fuck. Fuck. I'm up. But I can't go on anymore."
"Ok. Slow. We'll slow it down."
"WHERE DO WE FINISH?! Dammit!"
"Ok. I think I know where I am. We're near the transition area."
"Oh my God. These people are starting to run already!"
"I know her! She's freaking fast!"
"Oh, there's 1 girl."
"2."
"3. Wait, was that a girl or a guy?"
"Fuck, I lost count."
"Forget it."
"We'll concentrate on finishing the damn race and with better time."
"There is a God! We're done biking!!!"
(dismount bike at transition area.)

"Oh no... my legs are wobbly."
"Focus. Don't fall."
"Get my iPod wannabe."
"Get my Power Gel."
"Let's go!"
"Fuck. Wrong direction."
"Ok, let's go."
"There's my baby! Wave!"
"Why isn't this fucking iPod wannabe working?!"
"Aaargh.. this stupid thing is driving me mad!"
"I'm gonna so throw this away after this."
"Work god damn it! I need the music! I'm going crazy!"
"This is what happens when you buy cheapo products."
"It's probably from China."
"I'm gonna have a word with him about this stupid cheapo iPod wannabe when I'm done with my race."
"oh... fuck. My legs are cramping."
"slow, take it slow."
"Ahh! Finally. The damn thing works!"
"Shit. Shit. Shit. I can't run. Owww.. my legs.."
"No.... I gotta keep going. If I don't, I'll not make better timing."
"It's fucking painful. I can't."
"Ok... let's walk abit."
"Dammit. The cramp is not going away!"
"I gotta give up. I can't."
(at this point, walking with a limp)
"You're not going to cry. I'm telling you, you will keep going!"
"God dammit, fight the damn pain."
(jogging again)
"C'mon legs. Be good to me. I'll let you rest after this."
(walking with a limp again. Near tears.)
"I can't do it. I gotta walk all the way. My legs won't move."
"Remember to call Mom for Mother's Day."
"Mom.. where are you?!"
"Aaargh! I'm sorry. I don't care if you're in pain, we're running."
"Because I am determined to improve my timing. And I will."
"This cramp isn't going to stop me!"
(running)
"Keep it going. There is no pain."
"Yes, lift the foot. One after the other."
"Use your abs."
"Use your core muscles."
"Lift. Yes, keep going. Don't stop."
"Now, let's play a game."
"For every person we overtake, we get to slow down for awhile."
"Yes! Overtaken. Now, reward."
"Keep going."
"There is no pain."
"Call Mom for Mother's Day. Better remember."
"I like this song."
"Keep going."
"Good. I have 20 more minutes to go."
"Only 20 more minutes."
"C'mon legs. You know you can cramp all you like and I won't stop."
"Nope. No stopping."
"If you cramp some more, I'll only go faster."
"Fuck.... where's the finish?"
"Thank god there's no sun today."
"Less one thing to battle."
"Water... yes... water station. I seem to be stopping at every water station."
"Your legs are finding any excuse to stop."
"Too bad."
"I gotta speed up. I'm running out of time."
"Owwww! Fuck! Aaargh..."
"NO! I'm not slowing down! I see the condo. We're nearly there!"
"Fuck the pain! God damn it!"
"Run! Run! There is no pain."
"Just a bit more!"
"There it is. It is just there!"
"Smile for the camera! Don't show them the pain!"
(crossed finish line)
"At long fucking last. Oh my fucking God."

3:04. Not dismal.
It's good.
I wonder too, if I would now ever, ever do the Ironman.
I wonder if my mind can wage a war for 17 hours.

But for now, we'll focus on my first full marathon at Sundown.