My Last One Standing..... Has Gone To Heaven

She had always been very sporting
with photo ops

It had taken me quite awhile to write this piece because I wanted to kinda let my emotions settle a bit. But then, I realized, it will never settle and I needed an outlet to express my loss.

Today is Mooncake Festival and I had actually booked my flight home to celebrate this with Ah Por. Sadly, she passed away 3 weeks ago. Though this had been somewhat expected, I'm still trying to come to terms with this loss. All I have now are the millions of memories I have of my time with her over the last so many, many, many years.

I think I'm in trouble because barely into my second paragraph and my tears are flowing. 😭😭😭 This brings back something my Papa said to me : "You only behave like a gangsta, but your tears are so shallow."

~~~

After the passing of my Por Por in September 2012 (on the eve of Mooncake Festival actually), I clung on to Ah Por because I realized she was my last one standing. And I had a lot of regrets and unfinished businesses with my grandparents who had passed away. I don't really wanna talk about all those right now because then the floodgates will not stop and all those wounds would just be widely torn opened. Speaking of wounds, let me describe how it feels for me to lose people I love. The wounds never really heal. And each loss is like a f***ing deep cut on the exact same wound. That's how it feels for me.

As a kid, Ah Por had really doted upon me. Yes, there had been times where I had been super naughty and she had walloped the shit out of me, but for a huge part, all I recall are really great memories and even greater conversations with her. I don't think anyone else in the family shared the same relationship I had with her. In my eyes, she had been this strong, feisty woman who raised her family the only way she knew how given the circumstances she had. She was also strong physically. I would recall one memory which kinda puts me to shame till this day. I was 17 years old that year and it was the Chinese New Year. As per usual style of the idiot government back then, they would cut off our water supply every CNY for whatever reason and that particular year, it was so bad, we had no choice but to collect water from the nearby stream in the village. I was obviously struggling with my one pail of water. Ah Por was walking behind me. When she saw me struggling, she said impatiently, "Haiya, put down the bucket. Just like a siew cher (princess)! Move aside!" Which I did, and she carried 2 buckets of water and walked all the way home.

She was to me, the queen of public transports - the train, the buses, the village buses.... as a kid, I used to travel with her on the train and the buses. You know, back then, her belongings were carried in a piece of cloth wrapped up like a bag! And she would have some other bags of stuff and goodies and my belongings to carry. And sometimes, as a kid, I would get lazy to walk and I would demand for Ah Por to carry me instead. And she would carry me on her back, her hands still holding on to all the belongings and stuff while I am happily riding piggy-back on her. You can imagine, for a grandma to be able to do that, how physically strong was she, isn't it? She would be in her late 50s / 60s by then. All the way till when she was in her 80s, she was still traveling with public transport and carrying bags of stuff for everyone. Till she had her great fall which kinda ruined her mobility and really where the whole journey started deteriorating.

For an uneducated woman who couldn't even write her ABCs, she had a world of wisdom and advice to impart. For all of my life, her advice had been constant and consistent : "Study hard, don't be like me." and then when I finished my studies, she said "Work hard. But most importantly is to be happy and healthy. You have all the wealth in the world, it is also useless if you are unhealthy and unhappy." But all my life was really "work hard, work hard and work hard." So, I worked hard. Only fail area was me with the household chores 😓😓😓

I remember on the eve of my SRP national examination announcement, I was in the village home and when they announced on the evening news that the results will be out the next day, I was very reluctant to go get my results. I was so worried that I didn't do well. For some reason, my Papa was really upset about that and we had a fight. Ah Por, she told me, "Let's take a walk." So, we did, taking a nice breezy night walk around the village. She spoke to me and said "It doesn't matter if you didn't do well. You try again. What's so difficult about it? At the end of the day, you still have to face it. You don't worry about whether your Mom and Dad will be upset with your results. I don't believe if you study hard, you cannot make it. And if you cannot make it this time, you will make it another time." Everyone is probably surprised that I remember details like these, but I'm that sort of person, you know. Somehow, grandparents have a very different relationship with their grandchildren compared to their own children, isn't it? They somehow have a way to deal with their grandkids, but it was possible they don't actually communicate very well with their own children. Like in the case of my Ah Por. I know somehow, the family wasn't very close and wasn't very communicative nor expressive.

Then came the time when I got the scholarship to go study in Australia. At the same time, I had several job offers already and I wasn't intending to go abroad to finish my degree. I wanted to start working ASAP. My family would have none of that. Once again, Ah Por swooped in patiently with her "Let's go for a walk" thing, and advised me to go. She believed that having a good education would be a positive change for my life. And she said "Don't you want to give me the opportunity to brag to my mahjong kakis or the other neighbours here about my big granddaughter is a university graduate?" I think at that time, I was probably the first in the village to go abroad to finish up my studies. And definitely the first in the family, counting in the previous generation. Well, Ah Por won again and I went to Australia. Never ever regretted that decision. To date, that was the best year of my life.

She was old-fashioned as hell, and very superstitious. Old-fashioned like for example, chicken drumstick for the eldest son during any festivities. But guess what? The "Princess" here got the drumstick too! So she always made sure there was enough chicken drumstick going around to make sure I had one. And guess what else? I disliked steamed chicken skin. I would refuse to touch any chicken with the skin. Ah Por would always, always peel off the skin from my drumstick. If you saw a chicken drumstick without the skin, you knew that was mine. She had a lot of superstitions and old wives tales. But somehow, she gave a lot of leeway to me. I remember there was one year during CNY, during my "young and dumb" rebellious teenage years, I wore black on the first day of CNY. She just said "Aiya, ting nga yee, why you wear black on the first day of CNY?" I believe, had it been anyone else, she would've made them change 😁😁😁 Somehow, with me, she was very open-minded. Even for my wedding date, which fell in the Hungry Ghost Festival month, she was like "Ok, as long as you two are happy, it is fine." I suspected and thought at that time, she was just desperate for me to get married. But looking back, she was someone who really actually went with the flow. Not extremely rigid.

I remember fondly once when I took her on a cruise. Despite her background and everything, Ah Por was actually a very curious and adventurous woman. She had oysters and champagne, and whatever since it all came with the cruise package. One day, I said to her that she can go venture on her own cos I wanted some sun time by the pool. I gave her the camera. She had a field day actually! When I developed the film (back then no digital cameras!), I found that she even took a photo with the cruise's captain - who was a gwai lo! What?? This was to me, Ah Por. During the farewell party on the cruise, we even had a "chicken dance" and she danced along. It was so funny, I wished I had a video camera to record that moment. Now, that memory of her flapping her arms is just in my brains. She was sporting like that. That is why I had always loved taking her out. We made a big trip to Penang not too long back. And she was ooh-ing and aah-ing at everything. For you know, her world had always been so small. The village, 4 walls, and that's about it. No one actually ever bothered taking her to travel. Plus, she never wanted to go on a flight anyway. She was the most curious, most adventurous woman, really. Despite her old-fashioned ways. I wish for one more chance to go for a trip with her. 😢😢😢

I had a wedding reception back at the village, mostly was for her sake. After the wedding, the day I was supposed to leave, I was sitting with her in the room and I told her I didn't want to go back to Cambodia (at that time, I was based in Cambodia). That I missed her and the family alot. She said to me "Work hard. Don't think about this and that. Furthermore, Ah Por is already so old. Why you need to miss? No need to miss. You focus on working hard. Remember, eat well, stay healthy, be happy. The rest are all unimportant." This was truly my Ah Por.

What changed? She lost her mobility. And then everyone was too busy to looked in on her. She felt like everyone abandoned her. I was too far away to be by her side all the time. I just wished everyone had cooperated a bit more and took turns to go see her and spend some time with her. Perhaps they forgot how she used to travel up and down with trains and buses to see them and look in on them when she was able. For me, this pained me a lot. For it was not important to me that I was the "special" one for Ah Por. It was important to me that she knew she was loved and cared for by everyone else. She didn't need 7 days of our time. She just wanted 15 minutes of our attention in constant and consistent doses. That was all. I don't understand and I will never understand because everyone is different. I am different. Yellow on the outside, white on the inside. Gangsta on the outside, cry baby in the inside. Everyone has a different thing in them. So, I'll leave it at that. But till this day, it pains me that no one was by her side enough.

The problem I had was the fact that I spent the last week prior to her passing, with her at the hospital. It was watching her suffer that I couldn't take. I didn't really care that all I had was a plastic chair to sleep in or if there had no aircon or the condition was quite shit in the hospital, I just wanted to be by her side. To let her know she wasn't alone. It's the last of her days, for God's sake. To see her suffering was entirely one of the most painful thing for me, and sadly, the last images of Ah Por to me. The most recent images of her time with me. We couldn't take any selfies together or have a proper conversation together. I could only hold her hand and flash my big toothy smile at her. Somehow, I cannot get over the fact that there was one day at the hospital that she asked to drink her favourite beverage, which was the "cham" (coffee + tea) and I couldn't give her that because she was on tube-feeding. And she said "Just want to drink a cup of cham, also cannot?" Can you imagine my heart at that moment? If I could do anything to take away her pain at that moment, I would've. But the only thing I could do was smile and told her "I'll get you your drink when you are better, ok?" and I somehow knew that was me lying to her.

After a week, the doctor decided there was nothing else to be done for her and discharged her. So, took her back to the old folks home. I was in so much pain knowing I had to leave her there. I desperately made whatever arrangements I could to make sure she could get extra nursing care 24 hours. I didn't care how much it would cost me. She was on tube-feeding and she wasn't sleeping at nights so I was literally worried sick about leaving her at the old folks home. But in the meantime, I had to get back to work.

And at the same time, I somehow knew Ah Por was going to go, the moment I left. Because she had mentioned to me many times that she didn't want me around to be near her when she passed away. She knew that I would be crying and hugging her and she didn't want any of that. So the whole week in the hospital, as much as she was suffering, she didn't let go. But the moment I flew back to Myanmar, she left. Actually, on the night before she passed away, I dreamt about her. I dreamt that we were at the hospital and all of a sudden, she sat up, looking well and speaking cohesively and saying to me "I'm ok now. I can leave the hospital. I am so well. Do you see?" I remember that in my dream, my heart sank because I knew they said when someone is going to go, they somehow have a moment of alertness and clarity. And I felt (in my dream) that it was that moment. And I woke up thinking "Shit."

So, true enough, that day itself, right in the middle of me teaching my Advertising class, Ah Por passed away. I don't switch on my phone when I am teaching and my family was trying to reach me. It wasn't till I arrived home that MOH told me "Your Mom called." and the moment he said that, I knew what happened. It was the hardest news for me. That's why, I told the class that I would always remember them for both good and bad reasons. (And they surprised me with a birthday cake as well despite me not wanting to celebrate anything.... when I resumed class the week after the funeral)

Anyway, my last one standing has gone to heaven. I am glad she is no longer suffering. But I am so sad that I no longer can have another conversation with her. Another selfie. Another moment where I annoy her. Another moment where I can hold her hands. Or another moment where I can share my snacks with her (Ah Por loved snacking, you know!). Or another breakfast. Or another scolding from her even.

With Ah Por, unlike my other grandparents, I said whatever I needed to say to her during her last week at the hospital. I hope she heard me and understood me. We had one cohesive day where we had a nice conversation. She said my earrings were so pretty. And I said "Yes, but I am even prettier!" and she nodded, and said "Yes, that's good." And I told her not to worry about me and my husband (she was always worrying cos she didn't see us together often enough) and that we were well, my husband got a promotion and that I am cooking everyday and not eating leftover food.... and she said "That's really good." It was a 7 minute max chat. But at least out of that one week, I had one good moment with her.

You know, the chinese funeral customs and ritual is one that kinda drums into you to honour and pay respect to the dead. In the middle of the stand-kneel-stand-kneel-stand-kneel session, I realized that even if I had chosen not to kneel for Ah Por during the ritual, it didn't mean I had no love nor respect for her. I had loved her dearly and whole-heartedly. I did whatever I could within my capabilities for her. I hope she knew that. The rituals were just there to make us feel better? Or whatever? I dunno. But yet somehow, I still question - have I really done enough? Did I make the right decision to put her in a new Home where she was so unhappy. Have I tried hard enough to make sure the last of her days were at least ok? Everyone would tell me that I had done more than required as a grandchild. My question is what is the "required" here? Is there a boundary to what you can do for someone you hold so dear in your heart?

But for now, I mourn and I grief. I got back to my routine very quickly and that had helped. But the honest truth is I am grieving and I will continue to feel the pain of this loss. I had been blessed to share such close and great bond with all of my grandparents. I am such a lucky kid. Funnily, my grandparents had been very consistent with their messaging to me : "Study hard!!! Work hard!!! Don't be lazy!" and I guess, that's where I am now.

I miss all of you so, so, so much, Kung Kung, Ah Kung, Por Por, Ah Por. If only I could have one more moment with each of you...... 😭😭😭 But don't worry about me. I will work hard, be happy and be healthy. You are all in my heart always.

The Big Ten

Still Me & U, Just Us Two

This year marks our 10th year as a married couple. I was actually looking forward to celebrating our milestone but sadly, Ah Por passed away just 6 days ago. No, no, not that I am not allowed to celebrate or anything like that. But I just don't quite feel like it. And really not feeling like celebrating my birthday either 😔😔😔 August used to be my favourite month 😔😔😔

Sorry this all sounds a bit depressing. But I do write a post each year to celebrate our anniversary and kinda didn't wanna stop this tradition. 

Well, in celebration of our 10th year together, MOH had kinda coerced me into going to Singapore! Why? Because he was participating in the Bintan 70.3 and it so happened to be right on our anniversary date. In actual truth, when he booked the trip a month back, he either forgot the date or he didn't care about the date and was too tuned into doing his half-ironman until I pointed it out to him. So I feigned being upset. He panicked and booked my flight to Singapore! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ I had not even wanted to go anywhere cos I wanted to save my trip till the Mooncake Festival to spend time with Ah Por (obviously now this trip is busted). Well, he sent me the hotel booking and flight and that was that. But then, Ah Por passed away so... 😔😔😔 that was that too 😭😭😭

You know, truth was, it was ok for me. We celebrated our marriage everyday anyway. After all, we're a "me and you, just us two" couple. But we really had our own lives to lead. What with work and family and all that stuff so we understand that sometimes, things will keep us apart for a bit. Even during our long Water Festival holidays in April, we made separate trips though we went home to Malaysia together. I spent time with Ah Por and he spent time with his parents. This had always been us. 

This year had been a bit trying though, for the both of us. First with MOH's father going through a heart attack and a heart surgery. He had to fly back every week and I held the fort while he was away. And then recently, with my Ah Por too. 

But what got us through was truly the strength we gave each other. Actually, we don't say much to each other. We played our parts silently as the understanding other half. After 10 years, it's not about the "I love yous" anymore but it's more about being that solid anchor for each other in times of need. It's about making sure we are well during our most stressful times, during our heartbreaking moments, a hug, holdings hands, hot breakfast, a heartwarming dinner, a healthy smoothie in the morning. 

That kind of understanding comes through having gone through lots of ups and downs together, hitting our highs and smashing down to rock bottom. It also comes with maturity. Demanding for time, this and that, or having rules and arguing about shit isn't going to make things easier. And we both place priority in ensuring that the space we have with each other is for providing a warm shelter for our hearts. So none of those teenage drama shit. Of cos it's not all perfect. We sometimes bring home some of the shit and spew it all over the other one, but the other must then go back to understanding that it's ok. We're not perfect. And we will get through it the same as we always had. 

This is not to say we don't have our fun and laughs. We do all the time. That's why I said we celebrated our marriage everyday! We still enjoy annoying each other, pranking each other. Speaking of which, the other day as I was going through my phone gallery, I found this strange video.. so I played it. It was pitch black throughout the whole video. But 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ !!! That idiot husband of mine had woken up in the middle of the night and recorded me snoring !!!! I will get my revenge. He needs to as always, sleep with his eyes opened !! 😈😈😈 My pranks are always 100 times worse. *evil grin* 

To my dearest husband, who is more my best friend, the one who tolerates my gangsta, thug-life behaviour, the one who sneak sweaters into my hand-carry bag because it is your way of telling me you're keeping me warm, the one who enjoys the simply-cooked food that I dished out, the one who farts in my face all the bloody time, the one who lets me occupy 3/4 of the bed, the one who takes my elbows and kicks and punches as I practise my MMA in my sleep, the one whom I know will let me do whatever the hell I want as long as I am happy, the one who is so anal about mold even more so than me, the one with the cute tushie... I'm just very glad and blessed it's you. 

Here's to 10 years of craziness and I look forward to so many more laughs and adventures with you. You're my rock! 

7 Years in Myanmar.... What's Next?

Back in 2012-2013, we traveled in style! 😂😂😂

When they said time flies, it really does. And to be honest, it doesn't feel like 7 years that we've been here in Myanmar. A lot have changed since the day I landed in Yangon on a rainy day, 19th May 2012.

One thing hasn't changed and that is the power cuts. For some reason, this year, it had gotten worse again. Right now, as I am writing this blog post, I am stewing in my sweat because there's no electricity. 😫😫😫

Of recent years, I have to admit that my "zen" with Myanmar has been diminishing more and more and more. Whilst I have seen the country progress in so many other aspects - like from zero internet to 4G in a matter of a couple of years - there are also many other aspects that have remained unchanged if not worse. And this has a lot to do with the mentality and strange culture which is prevalent here in Myanmar.

Take the electricity issue for example - I was lamenting to a Myanmar friend of mine over the weekend about the power cuts as it disrupted work and it disrupted sleep. He works in hydro power, by the way. So he patiently explained to me about the cost of electricity which the government was charging the people. I can't for the life of me remember the figure he gave but long story short, the government was making huge, and like seriously huge losses with the rate they charged the people for electricity. When they wanted to increase the rate, the people protested. So now, the government just let the situation be as it is and they do this "power cut" rotation thing. And everyone is on bitch-mode. So my friend was saying - "This is the problem with the people - no solution, they protest. Solution, they protest. Then consequences, they protest."

I realized, this was exactly typical Myanmar. They are an enigma of a country, excited to move forwards, but lacked the will and the mindset change to do so. In essence, they don't really know what they want. And they don't exactly look at long term good. To put it bluntly, they are very short-sighted. Ok, I am generalizing here. There are many great Myanmar people whom I do know personally who are trying to help shape and change the nation positively. As I work a lot with the youths here, I kinda feel sorry for them. These young Myanmar millennials are all at once, caught between wanting to push forwards and bowing down to the older generation which had been the custom and culture all these while. I often have conversations with them about the prevailing issues in Myanmar and the one take-out I get from these conversations were that they "tolerate" and "bear with it" and "there's nothing they can do about it". In other words, they are accepting.

I've been teaching at Strategy First for 4 years now and recently they were upgraded to become Strategy First University. I feel a little ashamed because I am the least qualified as a lecturer. However, I do my best for the students who walked through my classroom doors because it is a commitment I had made to the school and to the founder and principal - Sayar Aung Chit Khin, a man whom I respect very much and one of those Myanmar people who are trying their utmost best to do the right thing for the people here - and that is to enable and facilitate their growth via the education platform. An exciting project is coming up in July, which will see me teaching on weekends as well, both Saturdays and Sundays, so stay tuned if you wanna know more!

7 years of coaching and mentoring the Myanmar youth and I'm also beginning to get a little jaded because I've had quite enough of their love for drama and emotions. I don't quite care anymore nor believe when they use the word "hote" and majority are what I would categorize as NATO people (No Action, Talk Only). Recently, I even took drastic measures by giving up on a team that I was coaching and mentoring. simply because I no longer find their words credible. They want to achieve their goals, but effort and time spent on achieving those goals are according to their whim and fancy. They say they are "committed" but failed terribly to understand what commitment actually meant. After having a really long think about it, I've decided that there are some people whom I will never be able to inspire nor coach or mentor. Sigh..... more fails for me on this front 😥😥😥

But I read this article by Chatri Sityodtong, the CEO and founder of the ONE Championship brand and he said this ~ "Eliminate the bad apples. I believe in surrounding myself with good people with positive energy. People always ask me why I am slow to hire and quick to fire for my companies. I hire very slowly because I believe the culture of a company is its fuel for extraordinary achievement. A broken culture leads to low morale and poor performance. Every single hire is a critical component to the culture of a company. I fire quickly because nothing is worse than bad apples who damages the happiness of others or brings the team down or does not exemplify the shared values of the team. Likewise, in life, nothing is worse than negative, selfish, entitled people in your life. It takes strength and courage to eliminate the bad apples from your life, but it is necessary so that you can unleash your potential. Think of those people as dead weight bricks. Cut out the dead weight bricks from your life and watch your life soar." Such an apt article when I was trying to decide if I really did the right thing. I need to learn about what he said - "hire slow, fire quick" - will I stop coaching or mentoring or helping these young people? No, I won't. It is my passion and my commitment. BUT, I will from this day forward, be more choosy about the people I am going to mentor and coach because not everyone deserves my time. I'm getting rid of dead weight so that I can help those more deserving to soar. Ok, so onwards and upwards then.

Another thing about Myanmar after 7 years here is this mysterious "arr nar" culture. There isn't an English word for it, but in Cantonese, we say "mm hou yee si". After 7 years of living here, I realized they used, I'm sorry, not used, they ABUSED this "arr nar" culture to their convenience only. For me, I was brought up to understand that "arr nar" or "mm hou yee si" meant for example, when someone offered you a free class or a free gift and you accept it but you feel so "arr nar" or if you had to borrow money from someone so you feel "arr nar" or if you were sparring with your instructor and you were "arr nar" to punch him. That is "arr nar". Here, they are "arr nar" about every damn thing BUT only to their convenience though - particularly when they're asked to voice their opinions or to be honest about a mistake or to express their frustration to their team mates for not performing well, when they are unhappy, they don't want to tell you because they are "arr nar", this list could go on and on. However, when the push comes to shove, like stopping the car in the middle of the road to unload stuff, thus blocking traffic, where is the "arr nar"? Or when skipping classes without informing the coach even though they know the coach prepared for the class - then where is the "arr nar" ? And when they are unhappy, they don't want to tell it to you in your face, but they gossip behind your back then where is the "arr nar" ? I personally think that hiding behind this "arr nar" culture had set the Myanmar people back by years. 😕😕😕

I think the power cut and the heat has gotten to my head hence my blog is sounding a little bit bitchy at the moment 😝😝😝

I'm still with CMHL for a majority of my time on the weekdays. On top of that, I've taken on additional roles in my capacity as a consultant - so besides Marketing, I am also involved in Group Corp. Affairs and I am also consulting for one of their start-up acquisitions - The Pink Sun Media. So, that's a big chunk of my time gone for all of those. If I have to ask myself honestly though, I have enjoyed my time working here. There are very, very bad days and on those days, I've wanted to leave, but I gave WWT my commitment that I'm here to stay and I would help as much as I can within my capabilities so I take itttttt 😝😝😝 There are also days where I've wanted to throw people off the building LOL! But it had been such a journey for me to see the organization grow from 12 stores to where they are today. Daw Win Win Tint, the Group CEO and owner is another one of the Myanmar leaders that I respect a lot. I may not often see eye-to-eye with her but I like and respect that she has the Myanmar people in her heart. I just realized Sayar Aung and Daw WWT both have the same values - to upgrade the Myanmar people. #win

SoyAi under Htet Shine is doing ok and I'm relieved. The Children of Tomorrow Youth Centre is continuing the weekend classes as per usual. I don't spend as much of my time at the Youth Centre these days. I let Htet Shine manage the business and the children and whenever he requested for my support, I'm there. I know sometimes, he just needs a listening ear, to be assured that I am still there for him and he is another one of my commitment - that I will be there for him no matter what. At least I know that one front of my succession planning is solved. I know that SoyAi will continue to do the work it started out doing and I know that Htet Shine himself has a heart so big for the children that I'm not worried at all. And talk about forward planning right - he knew that every year, I would host a Pre-Thingyan Party for the children and this year, he even chased me like 2 months ahead because he said "If he needed to plan it, he needed time because he is so busy with SoyAi." Again, even some of my students or my colleagues at work do not have such kind of forward planning!! On days where I am "suffering" (LOL, so drama!) in Myanmar, this boy, this boy whom I've mentored, coached and groomed is my inspiration because..... because he was able to change all his negative pasts and moved forward with a fighting mentality and attitude. You know, from someone who couldn't wake up at 7am, he's now making his rounds, delivering tofu and soy milk before 6am, rain, shine or snow!! And he doesn't dramatize his problems or challenges. When he speaks to me, it's very matured, no bitching, just problem-solving. He has a long way to go, I know but look at how far he's come!! For me, SoyAi, the COTYC and Htet Shine are the only things I can truly be proud of, of my time here in Myanmar.

The Mobile Soup Movement that I started in 2015 with MOH a.k.a. Da Tiger, a.k.a Sayar Richard is still on-going every month and we still give out 100 - 150 care packages a month to those in need. A lot of media had interviewed me about this, but I don't know why because I am not asking for donations nor help. They asked me what's my purpose in doing this. I don't have much of a justification except that I feel there are people who needed this and both of us will do the best that we can within our capabilities. We both have enough to cover our basic needs and even our wants so I believe very much that we can share. Whilst we're not asking for any donations or help, I do call for volunteers every month to come help pick up the packages to be distributed to those whom they felt would need some dry ration or toiletries to help tide them through for awhile. The current state of the USD - Kyats isn't exactly helping the situation though but we manage anyway.

Being in Myanmar is a real lesson in patience and trust me, patience is not my middle name. Right now, the power is still out and it's 4 hours and counting. My battery is almost running flat so I'm gonna hasten my writing 😕😕😕😕 There will definitely be a need for some zen-like mentality and the power of positive-thinking to get through some of the strange things that goes on here. Last night, while I was about to go to bed, the power got cut off again. Believe me when I said I used up all my energy to zen-out while stewing in my sweat. I even tried telling myself "Don't think about the heat, Eileen. Just close your eyes, relax.... all is good. All is good. All is good." 😓😓😓 Then there was one time where they completely closed off the road leading to our apartment because they were doing cement work for whatever reasons and we couldn't drive through and we couldn't walk through. I was like "What were they thinking???" And when you asked the Burmese people why did they do that, they will be "arr nar" and they will just grin at you. Which in all honesty, makes me wanna smack them instead. Anyway, with our grocery shopping bags and all, we had to literally scale through walls and makeshift ladders to get back to our apartment block. I mean, .... *speechless*. But instead of you know, chucking a ball about it, MOH and I just laughed and we joked about why it happened the way it happened. (trust me, we could come up with a million of these jokes on a daily basis after 7 years living here!!!)

I can literally feel my time and patience running out. Every morning, I wake up, telling myself to expect the unexpected and to zen out. But within 5 minutes of driving through from my place to wherever I was going, I am ready to kill someone. Where I live, I love it a lot because on my right is the jungle and 10 steps to the left is where I do my MMA training with one of Myanmar's MMA champions - Sayar Phoe Thaw. I am actually thankful for the MMA classes because it helps me deal with my pent-up anger and stress 😂😂😂 Like seriously, I drive through the roads and there'll be aunties gossiping in the middle of the road and they literally couldn't care less that a car was trying to get past. I don't really wanna honk and I tell myself "Stay calm, Eileen, stay calm." but every so often, I would blast that honk like there was no tomorrow. I hate to admit it but seeing them jump out of their skin gives me some joy 😝😝😝 Or the taxi driver who refuses to budge from the one-car lane even though I am the one who had reached the end of the lane first. Or the people at work, or the students I mentor who feel they are "entitled" to things or their "arr nar" excuses or "hote" and NATO with you. It's all very taxing. Now do you see why I need to manage my anger issues and punch some bags? LMAO !!!! In fact, on weekends, the both of us choose to hibernate in our 'cave'. Don't even wanna talk to anyone at all. That's how draining things are sometimes.

I question myself a lot these days - "What The Hell Am I Doing Here?" But see, here's the thing and I am not sure if it's the Universe trying to screw around with me or what. Every time I have these despairing feeling that my time is up in Myanmar or I am overstaying my welcome here in this country that I fell in love with 7 years ago, there will be something or someone or a situation that would tell me "Maybe another day, Eileen." It could be that 'side-ka' (trishaw) dude who gave me an understanding smile after I had safely maneuvered past the gossiping aunties. Or that taxi driver who actually reversed and gave me way even though it was his right of way. Or that security guard at the pool who offered to share his lunch with me because he saw me training so hard. Or it could be Htet Shine making another win for SoyAi. It could simply just be meeting new people who has the same mindset and mentality as me - like those guys who train at the MMA gym next door to me - they come from nothing and this is all they've got so they make no excuses, no matter how tough life is for them. Or it could be seeing a student excel and grow another level up, people I mentor and coach who came out of their shell and did things they would never usually do (like traveling alone 😜😜😜) Small wins by some of the teams I coached. Or the security guard at my apartment block who couldn't stand the state of my dirty car and washed it for me. Or it could be Li-Su my once-a-week help who sometimes treats me with my favourite fruits when she knows that I am going a bit cuckoo with stress. It's truly bizzare because it happens every time I questioned my stay here in Myanmar. I am seriously not kidding. Truly bizzare. So, I choose, despite having a bad day, to always start my day on a positive note. Most of the time, the both of us are quite zen with the strange and enigmatic Myanmar (right now, not so much for me because it's been 6 hours dealing with the heat and I've had no respite from the heat the whole day!😭😭😭) - like you know, really instead of losing it with things, we try to make light of a situation. Like instead of raging on the road, we joked about how we should equip our car with betelnut shooters and paintballs and rotten eggs. I would be so gangsta on the road if my car did that - like every time someone annoyed me on the road - press a button and rotten eggs shoot out at them. That'll be cool don't ya think? 👿👿👿

I attended a seminar on Myanmar's state of economy leading up to next year's General Elections and Uncle Serge Pun, another one of Myanmar's respected business leader was on the panel. He said Myanmar needed an "enlightened government". I chuckled at all his witty and bold remarks and agreed with all that he said. But I think Myanmar also needed "enlightened people"!

I realized this country is still full of hope. As sorry as the situation may be and as scary as the situation may be - there is so much hope for this beautiful country. As such, I shall continue the work that I do here and try my further best to empower the next generation so that they can positively shape this nation here. Everyday is a learning but when has learning ever stopped? I will continue to inspire and as well as be inspired and I will count my blessings everyday for the great opportunity of being here and meeting so many beautiful Myanmar people.

p/s : But for right now, on the anniversary of my 7th year in Myanmar, I hope the power comes back soon. Meanwhile - here are some photos of our earlier times in Myanmar - most of these situations hasn't changed at all 😜😜😜

Hotel Shwe Gone Dine - a place I stayed in for about 3 weeks when
I first arrived in Myanmar - together with MOH

Me cleaning our first apartment and I'm so not pleased

This be how the workers climbed. They were often
ill-prepared when they came for work - no tools, no
ladder, so they have to make 3 trips to get 1 job done.
Time management optimization fail. Still happens today.

Mattress moving skills = next level
This was our first move back in 2012

MOH doing a DIY  hanger for us. Skills also next level LOL

We made curtains out of bedsheets at our 2nd apartment.
Now in our 6th apartment, we gave up on curtains LOLOL!!

This was how we used to roll back then! LOL! And he would
usually ask me to get off if the road was inclining LOLOL!!

We used to get invited a lot to the hta ma net cooking which
was very communal. I had enjoyed them very much and also
loved eating the hta ma net. However, in the last 3 years, no
more invitations! Also don't see so much of this going on
anymore too!

Community chit-chat with the local neighbours.
This was December 2012

Had my first hair cut in Myanmar at Tony Tun Tun.
Still having my hair cuts at Tony Tun Tun 7 years later.
Ma Moe is the best!

We loved Myanmar so much, we even took
wedding portraits in Myanmar costumes!

My Last One Standing...

Selfie Filters with Ah Por 😂😂😂

Another CNY celebration with the family had come and gone. I’m thankful for yet another CNY with Ah Por. Every year, as I leave home with a heavy heart, I worry that this might be the last CNY with her. Her health – mental, emotional and physical – has deteriorated so quickly in the last 2 years. She’s my last grandparent standing and frankly, I’m not yet prepared to let her go.

The last 2 years had been the most difficult because I’ve watched a feisty, witty old lady turn into a bitter and unhappy person. I did managed to get some good moments with her, but more often than not, the conversations I have with her seem to be very negative that I don’t really have much conversations with her anymore. Most heart-breaking for me is her desperation with money. She used to tell me “Don’t be greedy. Just earn enough to keep food on your table. The most important is your health and happiness.” The last 2 years, she had been singing a different tune. She’s been telling me “The most important thing is money!” Every conversation is about how poor she was and how poor everyone in the family was. Whatever money given to her by her children and grandchildren, she refused to let the money out of her sight. This CNY, I helped kept her money in her cupboard. Numerous times a day, despite being too frail to walk properly, she would wobble to her room, open the cupboard and recount that all her money was still there. She’s even suspicious that there could be family members who might steal her money. It’s so heart-breaking and frustrating for me to see that. There was no talking sense into her and in the end, I kept the money in my room instead just to stop her from walking and risk her falling down.

On the last morning of my trip back to the village, I lost my temper at her 😩😩😩  I've never lost my temper so terribly with her before 😭😭😭

Well, she puts up at an old folks’ home run by a mother-daughter duo – an arrangement made by Ah Por’s children. To be honest, right from the very first time I met these two, I already didn’t have a very good feeling about them. I found them overly-fake and pretentious. But because Ah Por was under their care, I kept my tongue and I even faked my friendliness and apple polished them till high heavens. Sometimes, I used gifts as bribe – in fact, I even bought them a refrigerator! To me, they were just conniving, cheating liars. Once, I arrived at 10-ish morning to pick Ah Por and they just woke up. Which caretaker of a Home wakes up at 10am??  This trip, when I arrived at the Home to pick Ah Por up, the place was like a bloody pigsty. Fine. I closed an eye to it. They kept saying they were busy, busy, busy. Anyway, when I was going to give Ah Por her usual medication that evening upon getting back to the village, there was no medication to be seen. When I asked Ah Por about it, she told me that they had not taken her to the general hospital to get the medication for a couple of months already. This was alarm bells for me. Cos they told me they always took her for the appointments. While back for the whole week, I watched how frail and wobbly Ah Por was so I never quite left her sight and I showered her daily. One day, while showering her, Ah Por asked me, “So, who would shower me when you go back to Myanmar?” So I told her that the caretakers will shower her like they always do. And she told me that they don’t shower her at all. My heart sank. If I left Ah Por back in that Home, she will definitely have a fall. I was stressing out on what to do about this issue. Since, you know, being an Asian family, I’m of the “younger generation” and therefore, don’t exactly have a say in what needs to be done. Whatever decision I made prior had always been over-ridden. Meanwhile, Ah Por had also been telling me about how little food she has to eat at that Home, but when I bought biscuits and coffee for her to take back to the Home, she said no because the caretakers would steal them, and worse of all, how they kept stealing her money when she went to shower. I know some may say Ah Por is a little forgetful and Ah Por may be telling tales of imagination, but at this point, I choose to believe her.

So happened, during the reunion lunch, I asked my cousin brother who lived nearby the Home on what was going on. And his information confirmed my suspicions that those two caretakers were conniving, cheating liars. I don’t really want to get into the details of what sort of bad characters they were but there was no way in hell I was going to send Ah Por back there. I picked her up, so I had to drop her back off, you see. Anyway, so  my cousin brother helped me look for another home. He had previously recommended another Home when the family was about to make a decision but you see – he was of the “younger generation” and therefore only  meant to be seen not heard 😕😕😕 Anyway, he managed to get a slot in another Home and helped me make the arrangements to check Ah Por in there. But not before making me swear not to say it was him who told me all these information because he was afraid of getting into trouble. (and here I am, regaling this tale on a public space! LOL). So, that was that. I made the decision this time. I was gonna put Ah Por into a new and better home. I wasn’t bothered about how much extra the new Home was going to cost. I wanted extra pair of eyes to watch her and care for her.

Now, on the day when we were about to leave to send Ah Por to the new Home, she kicked up a fuss. She refused to go. She heard rumours that the place cost a bomb and she didn’t want to go. She wobbled to her room and refused to move. I was running late (cos I had to return the rental car that evening), I was stressed out about the situation, I was frustrated, I was emotional that it was my last day for CNY with Ah Por and when she behaved that way, I just lost it. In the end, she relented.  But she kept on and on repeating in the car that I conned her into going to the new Home. I just didn’t know what to do. At that said moment, I had wanted to crash the car into a wall. I was that devastated 😭😭😭 Anyhow, I got her to the new Home. I looked at the place, I met the owners, I checked her in and I saw to all the arrangements including shower time and night time. My priority was that she doesn’t fall again. The place seemed nicer, bigger and more professionally ran. Still, I hated knowing that Ah Por was unhappy with this decision. But I managed to talk to her better before I left and told her that we could just try out the new place. And if she’s really not happy and not comfortable, we’d move her back to the old Home. She felt better. And I gave her a hug before bidding her farewell. And I promised to call her.

We could say, or we could ask “Why is she behaving so selfishly? Why can't she not make the younger people worried about her” but if I were to think about it – aren’t we the selfish ones? I forced her to go to the new Home because I wanted my peace of mind. I can’t be there physically to take care of her and so I thought this was the best decision for her well-being. I’m thinking about this and I’m just torn apart. I gave her no choice. I just forced her to accept my decision. And here’s the kicker – my aunty called, a bit agitated as to why didn’t I discuss this with her first because to what she heard, the new Home that I just checked Ah Por into has a history of abuse cases and there had been deaths. So you can imagine, how I am feeling now, on a flight back to Yangon, thinking – “What the fuck did I just do???” I can’t rely on family to take care of this issue properly. It's like expecting the old and wobbly to take care of the old and wobbly. It's a disaster waiting to happen! Because her children are themselves old, unwell, retired with little income coming in and furthermore, Ah Por’s situation had been the cause of many family quarrels and unhappiness. I didn’t want anymore family quarrels or misunderstanding so I chose to take this upon myself. And I think I screwed up! 😭😭😭 How will I forgive myself if anything happened to Ah Por?

Maybe some of you may ask why am I taking things so emotionally about all of these. Maybe I should start by saying that in the first place, I have a very strong exterior, but I have the softest of hearts particularly for old people. When they are old and unable and life is draining away bit by bit from them, don’t you think that is when they need more smiles? More love? More care?

Secondly, I have a history of “unfinished businesses” that haunt me till this very day. Which is the reason why I still can’t truly let go of the passing of my three other grandparents.

The first was with my late Kung Kung. He suffered a stroke and then had liver cancer. A week before he passed away, I remember I was in his room, and was trying to chat with him about his job as a journalist with Sin Chew Jit Poh. He couldn’t speak very cohesively due to the stroke, so as a 16-yr-old, I tried to ask yes or no questions. I had wanted to pursue a career in journalism you see. Then some relatives came to visit and I was shoo-ed out of the room. I never had a chance to finish the conversation with my Kung Kung. In fact, the night when he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, the adults conveniently left the kids behind. I didn’t care, I called for a taxi and together with my brother, we went to see him at the hospital. Only to be shoo-ed away by the adults again (this “to be seen and not heard” practise has got to stop somehow). We were told to return the next morning. I sat in front of the altar and prayed and prayed that night to be able to see Kung Kung again. I didn’t make it to see Kung Kung one last time. It was also then that I stopped praying altogether. I only started praying again after I got married.

Second was my late Ah Kung. When I was working in Malaysia, I went back to the village quite often to see my Ah Kung and Ah Por and brought them out for dinner. On one of the visits back, it was raining rather heavily during dinner time. So instead of struggling with the storm, I went out to pack food back for Ah Kung. I even still remember which stall I got it from – it was the economy rice stall next to the temple. Got back and I prepared the meal for Ah Kung to eat. Just that, I was not aware that one of the vegetable dishes I got for Ah Kung had chillies in it. Ah Kung coughed and choked so badly from the spiciness that he ended up not being able to finish the rest of the rice and dishes. He only had two spoons of his dinner. I left the next morning thinking I would see him again and have a complete meal with him. And again, second time unfinished business – Ah Kung passed away before I could make my next trip back to the village. In my head, my last dinner with him was not finished. In fact, I screwed up such an easy thing as to getting the wrong vegetable dish for him! It was my fault. 😭😭😭

Third, was my Por Por. She had been unwell for many years and her health was deteriorating too during her last few years. She was wheelchair-bound. I regretted that I had always thought to take her for a trip and I never made that happen. At those times, I was struggling still with finances and my business and work, but taking her for a road trip was one of my top things to do. I remembered I had an event in Phuket on the morning that she fell ill. She was in the car cos my parents were taking her to the hospital and I was going to jump into my colleague’s car to get to the airport. I gave her a hug while she was still in the car and I told her “Por Por, I will come back to see you, ok?” And she said “Ok!” And she passed away while I was midway through my event in Phuket. I didn’t get to come back to see her. It broke my heart.

So there – the knots in my heart for the last many, many, years, living with these “unfinished business”. My grandparents had dotted upon me from when I was born till the day they held their last breath. I had no favourites – I loved them all the same and dearly but I was pretty sure I was their favourite grandchild. It traumatizes me as I watch the people I love around me grow older and older with each passing year. And my arse luck with “unfinished business” never fails to haunt me every so often. There are nights where I can’t sleep because my mind would accidentally find itself wandering back to these moments and I would wish I had a second chance with all of them. So I try my best with those who are still around, and I want to make sure everyone is happy and well. I would give generously to my family and never calculate again about it. I wanted the best for my parents and I would give them the best. I don’t want to go to bed angry and a lot of times, when it comes to my loved ones, I would choose to let it be. Because I do not want to regret anything later.

But this situation with my Ah Por is now driving me quite crazy and stressed up – I am tired and emotionally drained. If I really screwed up this time, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. My parents have planned a trip in the next few days to check on Ah Por and the Home. And now, all I can do is pray. I hope my prayers are heard this time 😭😭😭